Crazy Nonsense

This is really horrible to admit. I feel shame already typing it. Sometimes I have a dream that I will go into Bryan’s room to wake him (which is very rare since he’s mostly the first one up) and he will start talking to me like a typical boy. I think it may stem from the fact that when I do have to go in and wake him or see him in his bed he is very sleepy, he seems so calm. so natural, so typical. He is a beautiful boy. (I know I’m completely biased). He has lustrous, thick, black wavy hair, his skin is light with freckles and is creamy, pink with healthiness, and soft. He has warm brown eyes and an infectious smile. I don’t know why but he always smells good. I guess he gets that from Earl, he always smells good too, even after playing sports. Bryan wakes up like I do, very warm to the touch. The minute he does get up and I realize that my thoughts/dreams/fantasies are not real the guilt is heart wrenching. How dare I hope my boy is anything but himself? I live and breathe acceptance. I have really made peace with this disorder which took a long long time. However, I guess it’s just a parent thing, you always want your child to achieve, to reach to be the best person they can be. Those feelings just need to be splintered from the disorder. Damn!  I think I may just be stuck on this whole future thing, with the start of the New Year and the upcoming visits to middle school. Also next Monday is his IEP (individualized education plan) and that always grips me. I always feel unprepared, however, we know him so well and think about him and his well-being so much, what more is there for us to do? Lots of people hire advocates to help them but we feel confident in representing him. Can anyone who knows me really believe I need an advocate to get my point across or to get something for Bryan that we are entitled to? Still, I always get that nagging feeling like we need to do more.

Over the past few months I have connected through facebook with some friends from college and law school. Interestingly enough three of them have children with “issues”. One has a child on the spectrum and two have children with developmental issues but not quite asd. Of course it is thought-provoking. Having lunch yesterday with my friend whose son is in Bryan’s class, we started talking about the future. Not middle school, but the real future. She was so optimistic, talking about how there are so many of our kids there will have to be places and communities for them to live in and thrive. I wonder…. At times I think I am a realist and just hope that Bryan has quality of life. Other times I want the whole enchilada, college, family, career, etc. Never underestimate your child, I’m going with that. He deserves it.