It just doesn’t matter

brokenheartAlzheimer’s disease is a thief. It robs you of your loved one, it robs them of their lives and it robs emotions. I teeter between this very intense reality of watching my mom slip away into just a body, just a tiny version of her former being, to complete denial this is happening in my life; some sort of self protective armor. The problem, to way oversimplify things is, that I do not live like an ostrich so the bury your head in the sand approach not only doesn’t work in reality but has never worked for me. I am a talker, a sharer and an open book. So if I really need to express what I’m feeling now as some form of catharsis, you will need to bear with me.  I go to see my mom every weekend. At first there had been some conversation, little snippets about things in a magazine we looked at it or about the boys and school. Over time there has been less and less and I don’t ask any questions. I learned when Bryan was little that when you ask someone with a language deficit too many questions, it raises their stress level so high that even if they could answer, they now would not. For the last few months I essentially have talked or just held her hand or just took her for a walk. Sometimes we would sing songs because the remarkable brain can still somehow conjure up words aligned with a tune.

In the last few weeks there has been a noticeable decline. Although when I say “hi mom” she still perks up, but not sure if it’s just because I say that or she has recognition. I will say every now and then we still get a somewhat knowing glance. It reminds me so much of the times when I connect with Bryan, particularly when he was small and just the eye contact where the gaze is held for more than a few seconds, communicating an entire paragraph’s worth of info. Over the last few weeks there have been some disturbing physical manifestations going on. No, not the top of mind things like incontinence, we are way down that road already. I’m talking about finding her with a bruised lip or face, her hand swollen, a few scratches on her arm.  I can imagine your thoughts. What type of place did you stick her in? It’s not that, it’s a fabulous place with great care. She has extremely paper-thin skin and has always bruised easily. Her balance is not great so she can slip easily. She apparently has been somewhat defiant with the folks that work there when changing clothes. When the boys are with me on the weekends they go with me to see her. I am proud to say they want to see her and do not shy away from this or make me drag them. Due to some scheduling issues Jason had not gone with me for a few weeks. Bryan and I alone went on Saturday and she had two major bruises and I could see the worry on Bryan’s face. We now only stay about 15 minutes. There were stains on her shirt and she seemed disoriented. There is virtually no conversation and often she does not say a word. She is having more trouble walking, she sort of shuffles,  so we take very very short walks. When we left I was teary and I hugged Bryan and when I looked at him his eyes were filled with tears. “you’re sad because Grandma has a purple face” (clearly referring to the bruise by her eye). I have never taken a bullet, but I can imagine what it must feel like at this point.

Yesterday Jason wanted to go. I gave him detailed prep because I didn’t want to see the shock on his face that I saw on Bryan’s the day before. We found her sitting outside in the sun. Jason did a great job of holding it together and hugging and kissing her. He sat next to her and just held her hand. She looked at him and said “I love you”. He has this tender way of dealing with people and I think she just got it. She didn’t know his name or anything about him but her heart reached out to him. I could see he was happy. She seemed sleepy and detached after that. We left and when we got outside Jason completely lost it. He literally sobbed uncontrollably and of course then I started. Bryan said “you are heart crying because of grandma”.  The rest of the day we kept busy and focused on other things.

My dad really does the heavy emotional lifting. He lost his spouse, best friend and partner in crime. He and my mom have been together since college and they had that kind of relationship we all long for; where the best times you  have are just when it’s the two of you alone. He has had a tough year both emotionally and physically. He called me late afternoon to tell me he found out some more info on things going on with my mom and I literally could hear the pain in his voice. I tried to reassure him that we would get her the help she needed but we cried a little together about how she is declining  and changing and how horrible this is for all of us. That’s the difference between Autism and Alzheimer’s. Autism always presents hope. For Bryan, there is always something new and exciting just around the corner.

After I hung up Bryan came over and gave me a hug. He gets so upset when I’m upset. He is so connected to me emotionally that I wish I could have prevented the tears, for his benefit, but I couldn’t. Jason heard all of this and came downstairs and we had a group hug and kiss and  all just cried. What becomes of the broken hearted?

 

Love is Love is Love

IMG_0384 (1).JPGI do not make New Year’s Resolutions, I make hourly resolutions. I couldn’t possibly store up all of my potential improvements to force them out in a year end blast. My journey is iterative and I’m forever fine tuning the workload. At this point there is also a collision between resolutions and  bucket list items. Kind of what do I need to do vs. what do I want to do, etc. Good news is it’s my set of lists and I can manage it any way that fits. So although I do not make New Year’s Resolutions, I do try to take a pause to appreciate my life and the people in it at this time of year. So this  year I am going to focus on love. When I watched Lin-Manuel Miranda give his Tony speech right after the Orlando shooting, he said “love is love is love….” in reference to the respect for the people who are homosexual and were victimized by the gunman. It is a great reminder and his speech really touched me. It was a rough, emotion-filled speech/sonnet fueled by his need to acknowledge the Tony he was receiving  and yet his compulsion, his pure heart, that couldn’t pass up the forum to comment on the most recent tragedy. Something about his delivery, his body language really struck me; this man feels his words, he just doesn’t say them. It was almost as if he was holding back the words but they had to escape from his brain via his mouth. Do I have that much passion about anything? Hmm, kids maybe. I actually think my main passion at this point in my life is to try. I just want to try at being better at everything. The only way for me to achieve this is to work on what is most important, the priority, my love relationships; to which I am proud to say I have plenty. So here are some of the ones that are most precious to me and my recognition for their significance in my life and my desire to enhance them.

Sibling Love: If you have a sibling and you are lucky enough to love them and feel love in return, you get it. This person who shares the unique joint perspective of growing up in the same home and watching parents and family members influence your development, there is such a crazy bond that a quick glance over dinner can say it all. I am proud to say that the shitty relationship my sister and I had growing up, the constant fighting and comparisons have been left in our childhood home and the mutual respect and fun we share now makes up for it all. Sharing the burden of our aging parents has solidified the bond even more. Fortunately we understand our individual and collective roles in the process. My sister, luckily, like me, finds humor in the humorless. We could write a book with optional titles such as “laughing at your life when you should be crying”, “Things you never thought you would hear or should hear coming from one of your parent’s mouths”, and “Who am I and how did I get here?” As far as sibling love goes, I cannot even do justice to the sibling love between my boys. They adore each other; their relationship is very complicated, yet not. Bryan may be older by 2 years and 8 months, but chronology is not a significant player in their situation. Jason has always been a very caring and loving brother. Often other people remark about how good he is with Bryan, how helpful he is, etc.  To Jason, Bryan is just Bryan, his one and only sibling, and there since his birth. I would not say I take it for granted, because that would be untrue, but if you truly know Jason at all, it’s just who he is. His level of empathy and compassion for people, not just Bryan,  is just as much a signature trait of his, as autism is for Bryan. It’s hard coded in and that’s that. And like all sibling relationships there is ebb and flow in their bond and growing pains both literally and figuratively.

Parental Love: So you know the love I feel from my mom has changed dramatically over the last few years. I no longer have the ability to call her multiple times each day just to share something funny or get some advice. I no longer have that confidant who always had my back and thought I was the jammy jam. My mom was so reasonable and so thoughtful in her advice and she had many close long term friends who also feel the void. In later years she really helped me navigate tricky waters between my dad and my ex husband and ultimately was very supportive when I began to speak with her about my ailing marriage. She was a homemaker and not a career woman in any way and we talked about how different our lives  were and we agreed we each were programmed so differently that we could not walk each other’s path through life. My mother respected me as a woman, mother and business person. What propels me now when I see her is this need to be even better because I don’t have her to talk to. I want to show her, or really me, that I can be a “big girl” and handle things. In order for me to move forward I need to have personal goals; some very tangible and achievable and some more esoteric which manifest on the fly. Either way, I want my Mom’s legacy, for me, to be that I am that girl she loved and respected. I need to earn my way. With my Dad it’s become such an interesting change. I was always daddy’s girl and he looked at me with love and pride since childhood. Over the years there have been tons of bumps and bruises but now we are on a steady course, banded together over decisions for my mom  and forging ahead with his new and uncertain life.

Mommy love: Is there anything so great? Before you have a kid you hear about this gripping bond people feel for their children. You think it must be something special but you cannot truly conceive of it. The little angel appears and you think, “oh so this is what they were talking about!!!” Take my heart, melt it over and over again. And then when it was time for another, you think can I really love another one just as much? Yep you can and you do. My boys are my joy, my focus, my reason, my why. Their triumphs are mine and their challenges, well yep get those too. ‘Nuf said.

Bryan/Autism love: The kid knows how to work the fan club. He is a one man PR specialist for autism awareness. He loves to love and reaches out on a daily basis to friends, family, teachers, therapists, counselors, etc via facebook, facetime etc. I am truly fascinated and beyond appreciative of the warm reception he receives most of the time. Whenever talking to the recipient of these daily calls, etc. they feel special, as if contact from him is directed only at them. Who does not want to talk to someone who makes them feel special? Autism, however, is still so challenging, imagine having someone in your home who literally cannot stop talking or repeating and at the same time is so anxious the minute they sense you are not happy with them and what they are talking about. It’s the ultimate test for Jason and me on a daily basis. But somehow Bryan’s sweet goofiness, his silly inappropriate behavior more often than not forces a chuckle between us and we forge ahead. When meeting my cousins a few days ago for lunch,  I was so happy with the way they celebrated his silliness and made him feel just like he was “one of the kids”. We have tons of friends near and far that are cheering for him. No real words suffice.

Friend love: I am truly beyond lucky to have wonderful lifelong friends. My bestie  is a lifer and she is my touchstone for all things. My close inner circle of female friends are a combo of coaches, partners in crime and sisters from other misters. My close friends are not limited to women, however, I have some incomparable male friends that I adore. Some of my friends live nearby but often they are in NY, solidifying my need for quarterly visits up north. Over my years in Florida, I have made many new friends that have started out either as “autism parents” that morphed into real friends or “work colleagues” that have also become warm, true friends. What I value besides the loyalty and trustworthiness of my friends is the variety. Some friends are more advice givers, some are more just buddies for happy hour. Either way, I love observing human nature and understanding the different dynamics.  I am a very social person and I enjoy hearing other’s life stories. At this point in my life we have all lived a while and no one is without some sort of challenge, lesson, or funny anecdote which I find very captivating.

Cousins/extended family love: If you know me personally, you know my cousins are not cousins they are brothers/sisters, nephews and nieces. One of the main attractions for living in Florida was the proximity to this crazy clan and you just have to see my face when I’m with them. The depth of these relationships is personified through unending teasing, laughter and appreciation. If you go to one of our events and you left your thick skin home, well sorry Charlie, you are screwed. The need to laugh at yourself through the eyes of those you love is a great lesson. It is so freeing to know you can be yourself with a large group of people who will take you down and build you up inside of any group gathering. The link between us and our kids is one of the best parts of my life and although I tell them all of the time how much I love them, they know just by my body language displayed at any event.

Pet love: This one should be quick. Furry creatures make me happy. A curl up on the couch with a yummy dog or cat is therapeutic and warm. I love my animals, they are family and they make our lives better.

Romantic love: It is always a necessary part of life for me. I am a very affectionate person and I would like to say I have fallen in love since my divorce. I have not. I have fallen in like once or twice which is electrifying!  I have found some connections and have had fun along the way. I have learned that I am still capable of having great romantic feelings and that feels awesome. I believe real love is out there for me and I will not settle or fail to take risks to find it. No pain, no gain. Simple but true. I am totally willing to be in the game for the better of team me.

Happy 2017!

 

Crank it up!

Science question: You’re driving and you have the music on; something good and loud, like the Who, We Don’t Get Fooled Again, what is the decibel level required to drown out the voices in your head? This is not rhetorical people; I need the info. Over the last week so many f-ed up things have occurred that I truly believe only a heartfelt, drug inspired 70’s real rock song could block out the noise. You know something you can crank up and sing because you know all of the words and although you know your voice stinks, it completely doesn’t matter. It also doesn’t matter that your windows are down and sunroof is open, you need to let it out. Feel free to substitute any song you like; I just happen to love the Who and the righteous, guttural way Roger Daltrey belts them out. I always see him in my mind’s eye as Tommy  in those jeans and shirtless, with the long curls,  singing his heart out(just to me of course) and well, that definitely helps get the adrenaline flowing. tommySo….please feel free to email me, text me, IM, twitter, instagram, snap chat, call or snail mail me the answer. I need it. You see I drove to work this morning and no matter how loud I made it and how loud I sang, no dice. Still couldn’t block out the noise in my head. You know something is pretty messed up when your kid says, “you probably shouldn’t blog about this one if you know what I mean”. I do. The actual event or events are not always the hardest part to fathom, but the processing, the clean up of the carnage, well that’s where the real work gets done. The carnage here was bloody and messy and no amount of mopping seemed to do the trick.

It’s  fair to say that you really can’t control most things that happen in your life. As those of us know who have been through therapy and/or are introspective in any way, you know that you can only control your own responses to what happens in life and choose the way you want to handle the damage control. These things are always easier said than done, and emotions have a way of clouding judgment.  What happens when things are unfolding before you and you think to yourself, um, why is this happening and now what the hell am I going to do? How does this get corrected? When things occur and the boys are impacted, I feel like I want to shout out “cut, let’s try this one again”.  When things are going on right in front of you and you are processing them it is not easy to step outside of yourself and say, “hmm, how am I going to handle this situation so my children are not damaged, hurt or angry.” These questions are rhetorical. I was meeting with some folks from my Leadership Broward group yesterday (#LB35 #highfive) and one of the team members is gay and he was discussing the parenting classes he and his husband have to take to adopt a child. Parenting classes? What is this thing you speak of my friend? My mind wandered to a place where I thought, shouldn’t basic parenting classes be required for everyone? Shouldn’t basic human decency classes exist? I guess those things are left up to your parents if you have kids the old fashioned way. In light of the events of my weekend, I was definitely more focused on this topic than I typically would have been. Maybe my personal sensitivity to the challenges of parenting this weekend cast a brighter light on our conversation.

It is my opinion that success, in any form, is not only the result of hard work and a little luck but overcoming some obstacle or plowing through some roadblock. People who have it too easy have nothing to grind against, nothing to strive for that requires the type of deep soul searching and tenacity that propels a breakthrough. I feel this way about innovation and technology, the problem solving aspect, but also the resolve. If I didn’t have autism in my life, I would not have learned what I am capable of. I love when people tell me how much patience I have. I think, “are you talking about me?” I spent the first half of my life so impatient and wound up. I do have a lot of patience now, but it didn’t come from anything natural, it came from survival and for the sheer need and desire to be the parent Bryan needed me to be. How could I face my beautiful boy if I couldn’t be kind and patient with him? (Believe me I have fallen off that wagon a million times, and many of you out there have witnessed it).  Autism is a disorder not a behavior. Would you lose patience if your kid was puking, well maybe that’s a bad example, but you know what I mean. An invisible disorder is still a disorder and needs to be treated accordingly.  I’m still a work in progress, for sure. So by now you may be wondering, why are we talking about success and overcoming obstacles when we were just talking about cleaning up an emotional mess?  The thing I guess I’m grappling with is how much is ok for our kids to have to deal with? How much shielding is good, how much is overprotective? Where are the lines drawn and who has the damn manual? Can I get it on my kindle? These questions in my head just beg for seriously loud music.

 

A letter to me.

You know all of the clichés; hindsight is 20/20, can’t look back, learn from your mistakes. I get it, no one knows what they don’t know, but it would be so great if you could just go back in time for some basic life lessons. April is Autism Awareness Month, so it’s always time to think about where we are on the journey now, as compared to when we first busted out our compass and started trekking forward. So what would I say to my younger self, the newish mom, absorbing and coping with all things PDD (Pervasive Developmental Disorder), then Autism? I think it would be pretty basic, but as most of us know the good stuff is always fairly obvious.

  • Listen with your heart. Sooo easy to get caught up in what others tell you. “you should try this” or “my kid did that”. Every kid on the spectrum is so different and most of these kids, particularly Bryan, have language deficits and cannot tell you exactly what they need or feel. Trust your mommy gut, feel your way through, it won’t let you down. If you know in your heart something is good or bad for your kid, go with it. My heart never lets me down.
  • Don’t judge. This is probably one of the biggest lessons I have learned. When you see a family struggling with their kid or if you see a kid acting up, don’t judge. I realize now that so many people have all kinds of personal struggles and each person copes differently. Just because it’s not my way, doesn’t mean I should judge that person. I have not walked in their shoes and vice versa.
  • Be open. Be open to new people, new things happening, new ideas. Be open to other treatments and therapies besides established medical protocols. I revered doctors growing up, and still do, mostly, but I learned that I am a smart person and just because you went to medical school doesn’t mean you know all. One little side note: if something looks like it’s too good to be true, it usually is…
  • Always show respect. When dealing with teachers, doctors, therapists, show them respect for their perspective, expertise,  and time. The old expression, you get more with honey than vinegar, rings true here. Each of these people interact with your kid in a different way and have different life and professional experiences. You don’t have to agree, you don’t have to take your kid back to that person, but even the  negative experiences have left me with some little nugget of learning. A very close doctor friend of mine told me a long time ago to see lots of different doctors. Each see different patients and you never know when something may trigger a reference or an idea for you. Autism is not black and white so things are always changing. You have to change with it and keep getting more info.
  • Slow down. I spent my younger years concerned with reaching goals. I still set and like to reach goals but with Bryan and with my adult self I realize the journey, the process, the pace, can be as important as the goal itself. I’ve said many times that raising a child with autism is like raising a child in slow motion. Things that typical kids achieve at a certain age don’t go that way. I have clichés for this too, it’s a marathon, not a sprint, but there is truth here. You need to make peace with the idea that your kid may not do things “on time” or at all, but either way, take a deep breath and enjoy him.
  • Acknowledge progress. Great story from yesterday. Perhaps this is what got me to blog anyway. I took the boys out to lunch with my mom and sister. Nothing swanky, just Toojays (deli/diner in SOFL). We have done this many times. Bryan was antsy in his chair and hungry and just a little off. Lunch was tense and then we left. Jason took Bryan swimming and all seemed a bit better. Around 4:30 Bryan was very agitated and hurt Jason. Bryan likes to dig his nails into us, clearly a sensory thing, and broke the skin on Jason’s hand. Here is where the good stuff happens. It was a little early for Bryan’s night meds but we encouraged him to take them. He did but I have learned that if he thinks you can get over his bad behavior, if you can acknowledge that something bad happened but you can move forward, he can calm himself down. I told him, “everyone has a bad moment. You now need to get over it and calm down.” I have also find that if I get even nicer, warmer, sweeter, he will calm down. If I get angry or upset, there will be a colossal melt down.Hmm, so am I acknowledging his progress or mine?? In any event, my younger self could’ve used this advice, although I have to say sometimes this is way easier said than done.
  • Open up. My parents are/were very private. Too private if you ask me. I learned that sharing with others helps others to share with you. Parents are the best resource for autism and by sharing my experiences I have had others share their experiences with me. Priceless, awesome, fantastic!!!  If you are an autism parent you will know that there is truly nothing better than another parent telling you the real deal on a therapy, treatment, school, etc. On Saturday I took Bryan to Golf Buddies. I started chatting with another Mom who I have known for years, but have not known well at all. I have watched her daughter at all of the buddy sports and she has seen Bryan. We talked nonstop for the entire hour. We tackled major issues, marriage and divorce, school, housing for our kids, etc. The hour flew by and when I left her I had that feeling of community, the feeling of “wow that lady is my peeps” kind of feeling. The warmth of that hour really inspired me to think about how truly lucky I am to have Bryan and all that goes along with him.

 

Fat Chance

Ok, I admit, I am fired up this morning. Did you hear the news? Autism is now tied to obesity. Happy F-g Monday. That’s so funny because I was never overweight at all until I battled all of this depressing and crazy nonsense I deal with on a daily basis. I actually think rather than saying that if you are obese, you are more likely to have a kid with autism, it’s if your kid has autism, you are more likely to become obese from all of the self-medicating with food we do. I know they are not talking about me; I still am trying to get over the stigma of the “older moms” are more likely to have a kid with autism. It’s just another day in paradise. It feels like when you watch the news and you find out the local ax murderer is Jewish. Yikes, that is embarrassing; someone from our tribe was horrific and it’s just another reason to dislike Jews.

Don’t get me wrong, trying to figure out links and causes, that’s all good and necessary info but can we focus on finding these kids jobs, figuring out where they are going to live, funding good educational programs? GRRRR. They only studied 500 people. Well this whole stinking country is overweight, so guess what, of course obese moms are going to have kids with autism. The population is obese. Perhaps if my spanx weren’t so tight this morning, I could’ve taken the news better, but it just seems so dumb to me.

In any event, it is still Autism Awareness month and I will try to get myself together and focus on what is important. We have our walk this weekend and we are raising money and awareness. Time for breakfast!

I got 2 turntables and a microphone

Where it’s at???

I spent the last 3 days in a leadership training class at work. I am fascinated by  human nature and what makes people act they way that they do. This is a group of 15 managers at my company from all over with no relationship to each other, much like the phrases in the Beck song,  and we all were there to become better leaders. The feelings I had toward some of the folks initially were not the feelings I had at the end of 3 days. Relating to people in the typical world is natural, easy and ingrained. We did several exercises to “know” ourselves better and I do think I know myself, good and bad, very well. I also know that I am truly a work in progress. The most important thing I have achieved, from a personal perspective, is not to judge people. You truly do not know what another person’s baggage is;  they may have tremendous personal struggles but work every day to wrestle them down. I know for me I work hard every day to think about what is good and positive in my life and not feel bad for the things that are tough or challenging. I do feel that it is a choice each day and although I have many days of sorrow and frustration, they are not nearly as many as they could be.

We each had a 360 evaluation done which includes numerical and anecdotal feedback from our peers, direct reports, manager, and clients. I braced myself when I opened the confidential envelope. The info was predictable, I was relieved. I do my typical dance of discounting the praise and sweating the criticism. Ugh. But, the most important thing really is the relating. The fact that people take the time to comment means they care and you can always make progress when that is the case.

Whenever I read a book or take a class where there is self-reflection I cannot help but think about Bryan. I wish I could just get a good feel for what he thinks. I wish I knew how he felt about himself and his autism I know he knows a lot but I don’t know what he thinks about. With Jason he asks questions about my childhood, about my likes and dislikes and he imitates me. Children with autism do not imitate. I know it sounds weird but sometimes you know a child “gets it” when they imitate. I hear Jason say my expressions and use my mannerisms. Sometimes I like it and sometimes I don’t but I know he is understanding and processing. With Bryan, aside from some language improvements the cues are very subtle. I have read lots of books by Donna Williams and have heard her speak. She is a 40+ Australian woman with Aspbergers. I heard her speak about 5 years ago. She explains how she did not speak until she was 9 and all of the things that were going on in her head. Her first book, Nobody Nowhere, was a huge eye opener for me. I wanted to throw it in the garbage and cry at the same time I couldn’t put it down. I did not read the Temple Grandin books first so Donna’s books really enlightened me. It led me to what is Bryan thinking rather than what do I think he needs to do. I felt like a voyeur reading her book and although I have read a few more of her books, nothing touched me like the first one. It opened a door for me that I did not even know was there. Stepping through the door was scary and exciting all at the same time. My boy is in there and he’s thinking and learning and doing. But, that also means he knows he is different and that the world perceives him differently. This is crushing. We all just want to belong to feel camaraderie and connect. Autism is the ultimate disconnection.

Familiarity breeds contempt

Our world is filled with activities I never expected to participate in; special needs this and special needs that. It sometimes seems foreign and sometimes fits like a glove. When I was growing up kids who had special needs were retarded or handicapped. Ouch. Either way I stayed clear of those kids or truthfully I was neither nice nor tolerant. Life is filled with various checkpoints and mirrors. Growing up, not in the literal sense but more in the figurative sense, if you want to, forces you to face things about yourself and learn how to change or accept yourself.  Change, not so easy. Acceptance, not so easy. I guess it’s true that anything worthwhile really does take hard work.

An interesting thing I have observed in my community of autism families is how tolerant we can all be of other kids’ autism and how frustrated we get with our own kids.  (I know grammatically that probably does not make sense and should be how they present their autism, or how their autism presents itself, but I need a little poetic license here.) Is that because our kids autism is a reflection of our imperfections? Hmm that is about as deep as I go! But truthfully it is interesting how when Bryan is acting out, jumping, flapping, screaming I am all over it. When I go to autism functions and another kid is doing their “thing” I hardly even notice it. I suppose it’s like all parenting things, just on another level. I am always fascinated by how parents handle different things in public. One family we have known for years, almost since we first got here, has a nice boy who is coming along verbally, but very slowly. These parents are in this kids face so much, the kid can barely breath. I feel like one day he is going to find his voice and tell them to go shove it.  I feel like saying to them, damn, back off for a minute, but of course, I don’t, it’s not my kid. I see other parents with never ending patience and I am awestruck.  I went to Walgreens with Bryan tonight, gosh I go there a lot, and he wanted to get gum. He loves to chew gum and we allow him to chew sugarless gum since he no longer swallows it. Truthfully it is great for him; he grinds his teeth and when he was younger he used to have chewy tubes to help him get that need to grind out of his system. He wanted to get gum tonight and I told him if he was a good listener at Walgreens he could get some. We were waiting in line at Walgreens for our prescriptions and he was screaming “I love you” , ” I can rent Captain America with Dad”, “Dad is going to softball”. Funny thing is that I still thought this was good behavior. He was sitting down near the prescription area, not hurting anyone and not really bothering me or anyone else.  I kept shushing him and then I caught myself. Why does he have to shush? He is a little bit loud but I’m the one with the problem, not him. He is allowed to get some things out and he has been waiting all day to spend some time with me. I bought him the gum and gave him a kiss.