You can. End of Story.

endofstoryWhile the focus of this blog entry is on Bryan, the title could apply to Bryan, me and basically anyone facing a goal. Bryan is 17 and is an extremely capable young man. I don’t say this flippantly or casually because there is absolutely nothing casual or inadvertent about where he is today.

About 13 or 14 years ago, when we first learned of speech and language delays, among other delays, before we got the big “A” diagnosis, we went to meet a speech therapist who was considered a guru in dealing with “these kids” and our pediatrician arranged an appointment. Bryan and I went and she was a very business like specialist who asked me a bunch of questions about him and his development. For the next hour, no joke, one hour, she sat on the floor with Bryan and played with him, using Sesame Street character figurines and a playset with slides and activities for the figurines. I sat in the room on the chair holding my breath and and trying not to cry or vomit-again, no joke. What would this woman say after this hour? What was she trying to get at? It was all so unfamiliar to me and terrifying. It was not the first, but it was the beginning for sure, of what would become a long road for Bryan, a long road for our family, and a personal journey for me. After the hour she let me know exactly what she thought. I can remember being in my skin at this appointment as if it was an hour ago. She said here’s what I think: “He’s in there. You will need a tremendous amount of therapy over many years. There is no magic pill; you cannot throw money at this to make it go away. You also need to use his strengths when getting him into schools and programs. You are lucky, he is a very handsome and engaging little boy. If you go to a program, take a photo with you, but don’t take him. You don’t want anyone judging him by his behavior at one meeting.” I listened intently as if the Dalai Lama was imparting the key to life to me. Since this was a long time ago and still very distinct, you know this had a huge impression on me. I feel emotional just typing this and remembering how I felt in the car trying to process all of this info. I won’t take you through the timeline because many of you know it, but it was solid, no bullshit type of advice, including the part about how he looks. It was a crash course in “put your big girl pants on lady, because this journey is not for the weak and you better realize in short order that if you don’t get cracking and face up to reality, you’re screwed”. That’s Janespeak for what went down and for the talk I had and continue to have with myself 14 years later. I am quite fortunate, as is Bryan, that his father was always and is always on board with whatever is best for Bryan, and literally has no ego when it comes to him. Men often shy away from these kids and their issues which can make things worse; but that was never the issue. We were and are still of the same mind when it comes to Bryan: You can. End of Story.

It would be so nice to say that Bryan is now a Phd student at Harvard and has outgrown autism and everything is perfect and rosy. That is certainly not the case, nor the goal. However, the goal has always been and will continue to be that if you work hard and set your mind to something, goals are not only achievable but are inevitable. Kudos are offered up to Bryan and his desire to do well, to learn and to please. What the general public cannot or does not understand is that special needs kids work so damn hard at everything and every moment and task is evaluated. “Gee Bryan was great at lunch last week.” Oh yeah, well how was Jason? I know it’s unfair but imagine your life was one big report card. It’s tough. The one thing I do know is that the most important thing we can give to Bryan is his sense of pride, his sense that he can do and be whatever he wants, without regard to a timeline. And for the record, autism still sucks. Yes, I am grateful for the life lessons, yes I am grateful for Bryan growing up in slow motion and still allowing me to kiss him and hold hands in public, and yes I am grateful for the love and support from some of the most unlikely people. The anxiety that Bryan experiences as “his autism” still thwarts some of his progress and still tests even the most patient of people. His impulse control issues and his language delays still impact him and us regularly. While he feels complex emotions which can be learned from his behavior and some language, his expressive self is still highly challenged. So while I suppose I can and do appreciate the progress, the lesson must always stay in the forefront for both of us. You can. End of Story.

 

Love is Love is Love

IMG_0384 (1).JPGI do not make New Year’s Resolutions, I make hourly resolutions. I couldn’t possibly store up all of my potential improvements to force them out in a year end blast. My journey is iterative and I’m forever fine tuning the workload. At this point there is also a collision between resolutions and  bucket list items. Kind of what do I need to do vs. what do I want to do, etc. Good news is it’s my set of lists and I can manage it any way that fits. So although I do not make New Year’s Resolutions, I do try to take a pause to appreciate my life and the people in it at this time of year. So this  year I am going to focus on love. When I watched Lin-Manuel Miranda give his Tony speech right after the Orlando shooting, he said “love is love is love….” in reference to the respect for the people who are homosexual and were victimized by the gunman. It is a great reminder and his speech really touched me. It was a rough, emotion-filled speech/sonnet fueled by his need to acknowledge the Tony he was receiving  and yet his compulsion, his pure heart, that couldn’t pass up the forum to comment on the most recent tragedy. Something about his delivery, his body language really struck me; this man feels his words, he just doesn’t say them. It was almost as if he was holding back the words but they had to escape from his brain via his mouth. Do I have that much passion about anything? Hmm, kids maybe. I actually think my main passion at this point in my life is to try. I just want to try at being better at everything. The only way for me to achieve this is to work on what is most important, the priority, my love relationships; to which I am proud to say I have plenty. So here are some of the ones that are most precious to me and my recognition for their significance in my life and my desire to enhance them.

Sibling Love: If you have a sibling and you are lucky enough to love them and feel love in return, you get it. This person who shares the unique joint perspective of growing up in the same home and watching parents and family members influence your development, there is such a crazy bond that a quick glance over dinner can say it all. I am proud to say that the shitty relationship my sister and I had growing up, the constant fighting and comparisons have been left in our childhood home and the mutual respect and fun we share now makes up for it all. Sharing the burden of our aging parents has solidified the bond even more. Fortunately we understand our individual and collective roles in the process. My sister, luckily, like me, finds humor in the humorless. We could write a book with optional titles such as “laughing at your life when you should be crying”, “Things you never thought you would hear or should hear coming from one of your parent’s mouths”, and “Who am I and how did I get here?” As far as sibling love goes, I cannot even do justice to the sibling love between my boys. They adore each other; their relationship is very complicated, yet not. Bryan may be older by 2 years and 8 months, but chronology is not a significant player in their situation. Jason has always been a very caring and loving brother. Often other people remark about how good he is with Bryan, how helpful he is, etc.  To Jason, Bryan is just Bryan, his one and only sibling, and there since his birth. I would not say I take it for granted, because that would be untrue, but if you truly know Jason at all, it’s just who he is. His level of empathy and compassion for people, not just Bryan,  is just as much a signature trait of his, as autism is for Bryan. It’s hard coded in and that’s that. And like all sibling relationships there is ebb and flow in their bond and growing pains both literally and figuratively.

Parental Love: So you know the love I feel from my mom has changed dramatically over the last few years. I no longer have the ability to call her multiple times each day just to share something funny or get some advice. I no longer have that confidant who always had my back and thought I was the jammy jam. My mom was so reasonable and so thoughtful in her advice and she had many close long term friends who also feel the void. In later years she really helped me navigate tricky waters between my dad and my ex husband and ultimately was very supportive when I began to speak with her about my ailing marriage. She was a homemaker and not a career woman in any way and we talked about how different our lives  were and we agreed we each were programmed so differently that we could not walk each other’s path through life. My mother respected me as a woman, mother and business person. What propels me now when I see her is this need to be even better because I don’t have her to talk to. I want to show her, or really me, that I can be a “big girl” and handle things. In order for me to move forward I need to have personal goals; some very tangible and achievable and some more esoteric which manifest on the fly. Either way, I want my Mom’s legacy, for me, to be that I am that girl she loved and respected. I need to earn my way. With my Dad it’s become such an interesting change. I was always daddy’s girl and he looked at me with love and pride since childhood. Over the years there have been tons of bumps and bruises but now we are on a steady course, banded together over decisions for my mom  and forging ahead with his new and uncertain life.

Mommy love: Is there anything so great? Before you have a kid you hear about this gripping bond people feel for their children. You think it must be something special but you cannot truly conceive of it. The little angel appears and you think, “oh so this is what they were talking about!!!” Take my heart, melt it over and over again. And then when it was time for another, you think can I really love another one just as much? Yep you can and you do. My boys are my joy, my focus, my reason, my why. Their triumphs are mine and their challenges, well yep get those too. ‘Nuf said.

Bryan/Autism love: The kid knows how to work the fan club. He is a one man PR specialist for autism awareness. He loves to love and reaches out on a daily basis to friends, family, teachers, therapists, counselors, etc via facebook, facetime etc. I am truly fascinated and beyond appreciative of the warm reception he receives most of the time. Whenever talking to the recipient of these daily calls, etc. they feel special, as if contact from him is directed only at them. Who does not want to talk to someone who makes them feel special? Autism, however, is still so challenging, imagine having someone in your home who literally cannot stop talking or repeating and at the same time is so anxious the minute they sense you are not happy with them and what they are talking about. It’s the ultimate test for Jason and me on a daily basis. But somehow Bryan’s sweet goofiness, his silly inappropriate behavior more often than not forces a chuckle between us and we forge ahead. When meeting my cousins a few days ago for lunch,  I was so happy with the way they celebrated his silliness and made him feel just like he was “one of the kids”. We have tons of friends near and far that are cheering for him. No real words suffice.

Friend love: I am truly beyond lucky to have wonderful lifelong friends. My bestie  is a lifer and she is my touchstone for all things. My close inner circle of female friends are a combo of coaches, partners in crime and sisters from other misters. My close friends are not limited to women, however, I have some incomparable male friends that I adore. Some of my friends live nearby but often they are in NY, solidifying my need for quarterly visits up north. Over my years in Florida, I have made many new friends that have started out either as “autism parents” that morphed into real friends or “work colleagues” that have also become warm, true friends. What I value besides the loyalty and trustworthiness of my friends is the variety. Some friends are more advice givers, some are more just buddies for happy hour. Either way, I love observing human nature and understanding the different dynamics.  I am a very social person and I enjoy hearing other’s life stories. At this point in my life we have all lived a while and no one is without some sort of challenge, lesson, or funny anecdote which I find very captivating.

Cousins/extended family love: If you know me personally, you know my cousins are not cousins they are brothers/sisters, nephews and nieces. One of the main attractions for living in Florida was the proximity to this crazy clan and you just have to see my face when I’m with them. The depth of these relationships is personified through unending teasing, laughter and appreciation. If you go to one of our events and you left your thick skin home, well sorry Charlie, you are screwed. The need to laugh at yourself through the eyes of those you love is a great lesson. It is so freeing to know you can be yourself with a large group of people who will take you down and build you up inside of any group gathering. The link between us and our kids is one of the best parts of my life and although I tell them all of the time how much I love them, they know just by my body language displayed at any event.

Pet love: This one should be quick. Furry creatures make me happy. A curl up on the couch with a yummy dog or cat is therapeutic and warm. I love my animals, they are family and they make our lives better.

Romantic love: It is always a necessary part of life for me. I am a very affectionate person and I would like to say I have fallen in love since my divorce. I have not. I have fallen in like once or twice which is electrifying!  I have found some connections and have had fun along the way. I have learned that I am still capable of having great romantic feelings and that feels awesome. I believe real love is out there for me and I will not settle or fail to take risks to find it. No pain, no gain. Simple but true. I am totally willing to be in the game for the better of team me.

Happy 2017!

 

He’s got the moves like Jagger!

I’m doing it. You may unfriend me, unfollow me, dislike me, but I’m risking it. No, this is not a political post. It’s something way way way more important. It’s a bragging post, not about me, but about Bryan. Today was the day for parent/teacher conferences at Bryan’s school. He goes to a great private school that serves the neurodiverse community ages 14-22. Bryan is 16.  Last year was his first year and the first year after our divorce. To say he had a rocky start is the ultimate understatement. You know when the headmaster calls you more than 3x a week you are screwed. It was such a reach for him, I really wasn’t sure he could hack it. It took him the whole year but he did a good job and by the end he adjusted.proud

Well, this year, he has completely turned things around. Once a week they go to Florida Atlantic University (FAU) for the day to learn how to behave on a college campus as well as how to interact appropriately. Bryan loves it. He loves to go to the school cafeteria!!! So today, when I met with the teacher who takes him there, she said “Bryan is a rock star at FAU. I am thinking about moving him to the harder class that goes there or sending him twice a week.” Um yay and double yay.  Bryan has always expressed an interest in going to college, and I bet he will. You can never,  ever, ever count out a kid with autism. The surprises, both good and bad, well they never end. Of course I was elated, of course I was proud of him, but more than that, I felt so incredibly hopeful for his future. I met with 3 more teachers, math and language arts,  and then the teacher that does yoga with him and takes him to his part time job at Simply Yoga. This great program at school takes kids into the community for jobs. He is so proud of his job. He folds the mats and blankets, he puts the clothes on display and sweeps. A very typical teenage job!! The teacher told me that Bryan takes on a complete professional persona at the job. I’m kvelling!!! A professional persona!! What? Can you fathom the awesomeness of that? My loud Bryan, who is almost never quiet and has so much trouble modulating his voice, has a professional persona! They also do yoga at school to help stay calm. She told me not only does Bryan do the yoga, and stay quiet, he sometimes leads the class in a few of the poses. If I was not so over the moon,  so completely thrilled, I might have thrown the BS flag at them. Don’t get me wrong, I have been getting reports since school started that he is doing well,  but to go from teacher to teacher to hear in their words how well he is doing with tangible examples, it just fills my heart with so much joy, so much love for him. I came home and told him how excited and happy I was to hear all of his teachers talk so highly of him. Bryan, smart as he is, says, can we get movie tickets? Of course I said yes. I think I would’ve said yes to almost anything.

So by now, if you are still reading, you are either really excited too, or getting a headache from how upbeat I am. Here’s the thing. When your kid has autism, you spend most of your school meetings holding on to the table to brace yourself for the bad news. You brace yourself for the bad school calls and to hear that your 12 year old is reading on a first grade level. You also know that you must enjoy every triumph because things can change at any moment. The lows are very low, but the highs are sweet as sugar.

 

 

Tempus Fugit

IMG_3295So many things going on in my brain right now that I feel compelled to write. This week has been filled with so many emotions and while I know that it’s normal in many ways it still takes a toll. I started out wanting to address something that I’m so proud of with Bryan. He has really taken an interest in social media and loves to post both silly things, like I just shaved or cut my nails, to really sweet and meaningful things. In March we were visiting LA and we had dinner with some of our cousins. While waiting for the whole group to arrive, I was sitting on the couch with our cousin Dani. Bryan instantly took a photo of us and wrote “I love these two beautiful ladies.” At that point if he wanted soda or dessert or anything else I might have limited, well he had me. This week my beloved, adored Auntie Barbara or as the kids call her Auntie Bubbe passed away. She was quite ill and on some level we knew this was coming, but she miraculously kept surviving trips to the hospital so I know for me I was in complete denial that this would actually happen. As with the  rest of the family, my boys were heartbroken. They loved Auntie Bubbe with her warm and engaging style. She always greeted them with great interest in whatever was going on with them. Jason’s Bar Mitzvah was a  year ago. She loved to needlepoint and she made Bryan a gorgeous Talit cover for his Bar Mitzvah. She wanted to do the same for Jason; but knowing how ill she was she was afraid she would not be able to or be there for the day. About 2.5 years ago she sent Jason and me to a local needlepoint store that had many Judaica patterns. She asked me to take Jason to pick out what he liked and the sales lady, like any store she frequented, would know Barbara Henschel and would get all of the yarn and things needed to complete the project. I am proud to say Jason thought this was the coolest thing. He took his time and picked out an extremely colorful pattern. He was so interested in the fact that she wanted to do this for him and that he got to make a selection. I am truly happy to report that not only did she complete this masterpiece, she was at his Bar Mitzvah to share in our joy. So of course I got off topic a bit. Bryan was unsure of how to express his grief. He kept telling me he was so sad about Auntie Bubbe. You see she just had this way of making you feel good and special, and he felt it too. She talked to him with respect and warmth, and he responded. He wrote a little note to her saying “rest in peace Auntie Bubbe, I’m so sorry you died” and posted it on Facebook. I was a little nervous that my cousins might not like it or feel it was inappropriate. They did not. They love, like and understand Bryan and they found it heartwarming. They laugh with him and they just embrace all that is Bryan.  They can get frustrated and annoyed by him too but they don’t criticize or judge him in any detrimental way. They support me and my life and let him know that he can just be him. Is there anything better? Unconditional love is never to be taken lightly.

While not a new concept, I am luckily constantly reminded that family is everything. For Shabbat dinner we were gathering at my cousin Ben’s house. It felt like a combo of Shabbat dinner and private Shiva. I had recently come across a letter from my grandfather, our beloved Pop, and decided I would bring it. Anything and everything about him always electrifies us as a family and when Bryan and I arrived I shared it with my cousin. In typical sibling/cousin form, we joked about who had more letters or stuff from my Pop and he busted out a couple of beauties and the emotion filled laughter and tears that is and should be Shiva. When the others arrived we continued this laughing and crying and loving. Bryan was right in the mix. While he was a bit irritable and tired from a long week too, my delicious cousins/more like nieces, were all over him making him feel special and appreciated. We stayed until after dinner but with all things Bryan, we left early. He always has an exit strategy and I have learned to comply. I must admit I was exhausted too from the week and wanted to crawl into bed. I got home and while so so so tired, I could not easily fall asleep. Reflecting on the week and the life and love surrounding us I was weirdly happy. Certainly not happy that she is gone, but happy that she had such a huge impact on my life and her love that is here with me each day.

Choose your mindset, yep I know I have used that title before.

IMG_2951Some things resonate. A few years ago I wrote  a blog post about a speaker I heard say to “choose your mindset”. It gripped me then, and clearly, still has me now. The language we speak to ourselves, the things we tell ourselves matter. If you are not good at something and keep reminding yourself you are not good at it, well you are just reinforcing that bad behavior. You have a choice. Tell yourself you’re a fuck up or tell yourself, wow I just learned something and now I won’t do this again. I am evolving! I am a study of all things behavior and people, particularly myself and my kids. I have always been introspective. I hold myself to a very high standard of treat people how you want to be treated. This summer has challenged me in so many ways, and the mindset I have chosen is “I got this”. I am stumbling here and there for sure, but the focus, the way I speak to myself is positive and empowering.

If I have to trace this feeling back to anything, it is Bryan. If you tell someone you have a child with autism, you often get, “I’m sorry”. Damn cuz that hurts. It is easy to fall into the space of why did this happen to me or my kid. To build up the positive muscle of embracing the journey, you have to work it out. You have to keep pushing it and pushing it. No quick fixes on that one. And you fall of the wagon for sure, like when someone says, do you think Bryan will drive soon? Or do you think  he will be able to have  a job? One big lesson is to remind myself that no matter what anyone asks, they are typically inexperienced in this world and just don’t know what to say. I love the saying that you need to love the child you have, not the one you expected. Great lesson, not just for parents of special needs kids; this applies to all parents. But if you know me, you know that saying nothing to me or ignoring me doesn’t work well for me. Ignoring something or someone because addressing it or them makes you uncomfortable is immature. If you want to show someone you care, show them, take action, address the topic. No one expects anyone to have answers, but empathy is always welcome.

I had a huge reality check on this one recently. My mom has Alzheimer’s and has been declining rapidly. On two occasions recently she did not who I was. To tell you that was devastating is a colossal understatement. My dad is the major caretaker and is sad, overwhelmed and frazzled. When my sister and I call and he tells us some things that have occurred I find myself saying dopey things that I would hate if someone said to me about Bryan. A lesson for me to once again be gracious for those that ask about him and recognize that when you don’t have experience with something, it is challenging to help someone. I remind myself that these people are at least saying something and not ignoring it. At least they want to try and help. My dad gets very upset and says to us “you have no idea” when we ask how things are. So I decided to change my mindset and ask him, “Dad, what can I say to you when you say this?”. The answer is fantastic and the same answer I always want to hear: “just tell me that you love me”.

The noise in my head

If you know us and/or read my blog you know that Bryan is not a quiet kid. He talks loud, he will yell randomly and basically when he’s awake you hear him. I don’t really hear him anymore. I kind of notice more when I don’t hear him than when I do.  A few nights ago he went to bed early and Jason came downstairs to talk to me. I said, “Is Bry sleeping?”. He said “sure, can’t you hear how quiet it is? It’s nice to have a little quiet.” It’s true, the quiet is almost so loud you can hear it. It’s just another one of those things you get used to, it becomes your normal and you only notice the absence of it. Really I am way more distracted by the noise in my head, the little sounds of have you been planning for the future for Bryan sounds. He’s 16 so how much longer can I pretend he’s a little kid? Financial planning is one thing for him, but the rest, yikes, the rest of it.  The rules change, as I understand them, at 18. He will need a guardian and other things that I have not faced up to  yet. I think if I’m really honest there is some sort of secret hope left that maybe in a few years he will be ready for college and a “normal” life. I am a bit ashamed to admit that while I try to be realistic all of the time, dealing with Bryan’s adulthood disturbs me more than anything. There is no hiding the fact that my son has autism and very likely will not have a typical life. I truly feel like a piece of crap even typing this, let alone processing it, let alone living it. Beyond, even after all of this time. It is shocking to me that I still have some little place in my soul that thinks he may end up some typical adult. I guess as a parent, there is no end to mourning the differences that a special needs child brings to you. There is still no peace and there never will be. No amount of love and acceptance can ever truly heal the feeling that sometimes things aren’t fair. And I know everyone has challenges and ups and downs with their kids. It’s different, I promise you. I know because I also have a typical kid. There is a difference between worrying about how your typical kid will navigate life and how you navigate on behalf of the special needs one.

I will get over myself and deal with the reality and figure out what needs to be done.

If you are one of my close friends or autism parents reading this you may be saying, “wow I didn’t know you felt this way”. Yeah, I haven’t faced up to it. When people ask if Bryan will live on his own or go to college or drive I cringe, both literally and figuratively. The loud battle between the mind and the heart, the needing to face up to the reality of what is coming and the emotional denial is deafening. When someone says group home I get anxious, like can’t you people just shut up?  I know this sounds extremely melodramatic but it’s just sort of the next thing in my autism journey. I look at memes people post on Facebook and all over the internet about kids that are often undressed or running away or hurting themselves. Those “issues” are not our autism issues any longer. I see those posts and I can measure our growth since those times. While Bryan may get up very early on a weekend and be very loud and disturbing, I no longer have to get out of bed and deal with it. He can make his own breakfast and I smile in my bed when I hear him up early and clanking plates because he’s emptying the dishwasher. The worst he will do is eat too much! The new challenges are deep. I can’t hide behind time anymore. Seems like we are growing up at the same time in many ways.

 

Fearless

Autism is not easy to describe because it manifests differently in each person affected by it. Bryan’s autism consists of three major areas: communication, anxiety, and impulse control. I decided a few months ago that I was going to take the boys to LA for Spring Break, which was last week. Jason has wanted to go to LA for a long time; something about the allure of Hollywood and the possibility of being “discovered”. Bryan just wants to make sure he is included and is going too.  I’ve been a single mom for about a year now and, quite honestly, this factor never really entered into the equation of going. I am typically a goer and a doer so I just made the plans.

As the trip was getting closer I sensed anxiety from Bryan. I am not surprised by this fact, nor do I really focus on it. Bryan can be completely relaxed about something difficult or awkward, like a school trip or a doctor’s appointment, yet very anxious about movie tickets or going to the mall. Over the years I have learned that it’s waycali2016 better to just ride it out and deal with the behaviors that come than try to spend cycles anticipating things that may never happen. I have also learned that experience teaches you that you can tackle things if you believe in yourself. I think you either try to learn from your life or you don’t. You are either introspective or you are not.

Getting back to Bryan and fearless. I let the boys know that the flights would be very long. I let them know that there will be ridiculous traffic in LA and there will be many long car rides. I let them know that we are going to have lots of plans and lots of fun and that they are going to have to deal with a crazy mommy. They both were excited by the plans and looking forward to the trip. On the flight out to LA I started feeling some anxiety creep up on me about driving everywhere. I don’t like to get lost and I started thinking, am I nuts to take two kids with me on this trip where although I’ve been to LA multiple times, I’ve never been at the helm navigating my way?  Bryan was holding my  hand on the flight and was talking about going to the Santa Monica Pier, our plans after arrival, car, hotel, etc. I watched how he was processing everything and although he was anxious, he was coping. After we got to the rental car and started on our way, Bryan freaked out a bit about the traffic. It took us about 45 minutes to get to the hotel and I realized he was probably  hungry. We checked in, had lunch, and I noticed that he was really taking it all in. He was excited for our plans and although he was very anxious about the drive to Santa Monica (where I did get a little lost and frazzled) and about the day, he did his best to go with it. By the time we finished our day, on the Pier with my childhood friend and her family, plus dinner near UCLA, he was relaxed and tired. As predicted, as soon as we got back to the hotel he went to sleep. Bryan absolutely loves to go to sleep. The next day we went on a tour of the celebrity homes. Bryan’s only real interest in this had to do with the movies that these celebrities were in. He loves movies!!! That night we were going to a taping of America’s Got Talent. Some combination of the traffic, the time of day, and the waiting made us all very irritable. By the time we got into the theater we had been waiting for 90 minutes. Bryan was done. Jason was so excited for the show, but as a veteran of all things Bryan, he knew he was on borrowed time. I watched Jason try his best to calm Bryan. Bryan did his best to watch the show. At one point I looked over at Bryan who was sitting on the other side of Jason and my eyes filled with tears; he was fearless. He was trying with everything he had to calm down. He knew how much Jason wanted to be there and he knew that we were not leaving in 5 minutes. I had a moment where I thought to myself, did I just push it too hard? Is this too much? What is wrong with me, my kid has autism and I’m expecting too much. After a while Bryan was really hungry and anxious. Jason looked at me and said, “let’s just go”. I can’t think of a moment I felt more pride. Bryan tried to cope to please Jason and Jason suggested leaving to please Bryan. The rest of the trip was uneventful in the best way possible.

Typically going home can trigger major anxiety for Bryan. I had braced myself for a very long flight home filled with constant talking, reassuring, and anxiety. Bryan was fantastic on the way home. I have no idea why he was calm when he typically isn’t. All I know is that he successfully navigated a huge trip and proved once again, that you can never underestimate a person with autism. Fearless!!