The sun shines….and people forget

buttBoys will be home soon. I can’t wait. I can’t wait for the chaos, the noise, the sweaty yumminess of my teenagers. I can’t wait to wake up in the middle of the night to find one of them in my bed. They don’t come in because they have bad dreams or can’t sleep in their own beds, they come in because they just want a little mommy closeness. I have a king size bed so it’s never an issue except when I turn over and they are both in my bed!! I don’t care if you think that’s weird or inappropriate. Everyone needs the love and warmth of a mommy at times, no matter how old you are! I know from a secret source that Jason has a lot of apprehension about coming home and seeing my mom. He is worried she will not know him at all. She does not know their names or anything but often she has said “my kids” and at least that acknowledgement seems to stave off angst and tears.  I have spent a good amount of time with my dad this weekend; we went to see my mom, had some meals and did some needed errands that are more difficult for him these days. Recently he needed to get a new car and asked me if it was OK with me  for him to get a really nice car since he said it will probably be his last car. He is so guilt ridden about my mom. It’s so difficult emotionally but I tell him, “Dad, will Mom get better if you get a crappy car? Will she get better if you get a nice car?” No!!  I tell him that he is entitled to live too. So hard, so hard. Yesterday I went to pick him up and on the way over to see my mom he told me that four residents in my mom’s place died last month. That’s a great opener, don’t you think? There are only 40 residents in the place, so it’s meaningful. No one gets out alive is in my head, but it’s funny not funny. I didn’t say too much after that and neither did he. When we got there I was immediately looking for the familiar people, wondering which ones had passed away. I saw most of the people I “know” so I kind of got past it in my mind. When I go with my dad the experience is very different than when I go by myself. It is his wife, his love; he has adored her all of his life. He hugs her and kisses her and holds her hand. It is both endearing and devastating at the same time. To me she is this living ghost of my mom, to him she is still that beautiful sweet woman he married.

I sat next to her for a little while yesterday and she stared at me for a long time. Typically if she stares or holds a glance, I can see some faint recognition in her eyes. This stare was different, it was a mix between frustration and lost. Hard to explain exactly. I think I am very sensitive to eye contact because it was such a meaningful part of connecting with Bryan when he was little. He could not answer questions at all, so if I could just hold his gaze for a little bit, I could connect with him and understand him.  Eye contact with him was and still is some of the best nonverbal communication, and a warm smile. Is there really anything more important in your life than seeing someone you love, someone you care about and exchanging a knowing look and big smile? Just so you know I think smiling is one of the most underrated activities!! After a while she got a little silly, a little giddy I think from all of the hugs and kisses. I was so glad to see this so I can tell Jason not to be afraid to see his Grandma.



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