Years ago my mother and I laughed about saying “Why do you ask?” to people who asked dopey, nosy questions. If you say this, they get a bit tongue tied because their answer should be “because I’m a nosy person”, but of course no one really says that. My mom was extremely private and never liked the feeling of being interrogated (who does?) and was very defensive when it came to the family, especially Bryan. Over the years I have learned to be more tolerant; trying to put this under the heading of Isn’t it better for someone to ask a nosy question rather than not asking at all? I still struggle with this one because people can be very thoughtful or thoughtless, but I try to keep in mind that people don’t know how to handle the unfamiliar.
Case in point-Autism questions like, Is he high-functioning? If you know me, you know that’s a tough one, because it’s not like there is a standard scale. Yep, he’s 4.5 on the high-functioning scale. It’s subjective and no one ever wants to say, my kid is low functioning. It hurts, it stings, blah blah blah. If I said he was low functioning, what would that do for you? I guess it’s better than people saying “I’m sorry” which they can do when you say your kid has autism. What the hell is that about? The first time I heard that one I have to say, I was completely shell shocked and speechless. I am never speechless. However, people don’t know the right protocol unless they have a kid with autism, so they are trying. Take the good with the bad, I tell myself. For me, some days I am patient and understanding, some days not so much. You get it.
Moving on to what’s in my mind, the impetus to blog. Yesterday was Mother’s day. This was the first Mother’s Day without my Mom being with us and the first one since my beloved Auntie Barbara passed away. A double whammy for our family. Recently a new question has come up that makes me want to say “why do you ask?” Every Sunday we have breakfast at my Dad’s club. It is gorgeous and it’s beyond spoiled and each time I remind myself and the kids of our good fortune. So a few weeks ago some woman who knows my folks came over to talk to my Dad and asked how my Mom was doing. She said to him “Does she know you?” and then points to me (literally points) and says , “Does she know you?”Here are the choices for the answer as they play out in my head:
- Answer in my head: She has no fucking clue who I am and it sucks lady.
- Better answer, but not the one I typically give: Sometimes, it’s very difficult emotionally for all of us.
- Answer I give: On occasion, but not too often anymore.
Any answer is typically met with no response, which is why you want to say, why do you ask? If I say she doesn’t know me, what info is gleaned from that? Sounds mean, but think about it.
I can’t imagine asking this question. Maybe it’s because of Bryan I have heightened sensitivity to weird, nosy questions, or maybe it’s because my mom taught me not to ask nosy questions. I would say this lady was an anomaly but it’s not the case. I am a pretty tough cookie at this point in my life, but people, take a minute to think about stuff!!! Ok so this blog is more of a rant than a blog, but if my purpose is to get something off of my chest and to raise awareness, I think I may be done. Well almost….
Recently I was shopping with my work BFF in Nordstrom; I was buying a gift in the jewelry dept and there were these mantra bracelets. I’m not big on that stuff but she picked one up and said, you have to get this one, it’s so you: “Be true. Be you. Be kind.” Nothing else really matters. First of all, the fact that anyone thinks this mantra represents me is enough to make my year, but it was more of something I aspire to be than something I truly am. Of course I bought it and it is a nice little reminder of how I want to be each time I put it on. I am going to be myself at all times, no apologies. (probably a little scary for those of you who know me well) Accordingly, I offer some suggestions to people when approaching someone who has a kid with autism/a parent with Alzheimer’s/or anyone going through a difficult time/illness with which you are unfamiliar. How about, “how are things going?” How is so and so doing?” and “Can I do anything to help?” That’s it, just kindness.