Good Feelings Gone

nemoYou know that scene in Finding Nemo where Marlin and Dory are swimming and are feeling happy. On their quest to find Nemo they encounter various sea creatures and obstacles, but at this moment happiness abounds.  They are circling around and gently gliding along, as if all was right with the world. They feel encapsulated with a careless warmth. They are oblivious to the scary big fish luring them in with his magical soft light. The fish goes in for the kill and Dory shouts “good feelings gone!” Just like that they are now swimming for their lives, dodging the scary fish and hoping to escape. I get this feeling sometimes like things are moving along really well, work is going well, boys are doing well and I’m doing well emotionally, physically and spiritually, and then something or someone will crank up the buzzkill and all goodness will collapse into air.

Working at the place I do, which is fabulous, December is over the top. We are rewarded financially and valued beyond comprehension for our efforts. The shot of financial and thankful adrenaline propels us to a great start for the new year. I was able to share with my kids and express to them the ever important lesson of hard work reaps great benefits. I think they are now at an age and a mental capacity to not only understand this literally but feel it in their hearts. Last weekend I went on a super fun excursion to the Bahamas. I had looked forward to going and except for less than stellar weather, it surely didn’t disappoint. I am always trying to find the lesson; for the boys they are obvious, basic growing up lessons, for me, to appreciate what I have, to live life with fun and joy and focus on what are truly the sweetest parts of life.

However, and of course there is always a however or a but, the tough reality of my responsibility load is never too far in the shadows. Of course I never really escape my responsibilities, but a pina colada at a gorgeous resort can somehow stay them for a while. Over the years there have been many reality jolts that have sent me into a downward spiral; a work issue, a Bryan issue, etc. The squeaky floorboard of an issue could not be silenced and essentially my whole house would collapse over it. At this point in my life’s journey I am no longer demolishing the house over a squeaky floorboard or a shorted outlet. My skin is thicker, tougher and experience is the quintessential professor. Last night I got home after a very challenging day at work. I needed to process what had occurred and figure out the best way to remove any emotional feelings from what happened and apply logic and said experience. The only way for me to do this, is to distract myself enough so that my head clears of the problem for re focus at a later time. Clarity for me requires emotional distance and at least at this point in my life, I know it. I decided to have a conversation with the boys about a short vacation over Xmas week. Inasmuch as we had two trips this year, to DC and LA, I am not in the position to do anything crazy, and I do want to take them to Europe next year, so I just was looking for a little getaway. Well, here’s what I learned. Autism is alive and well in my home. We talked about Busch Gardens, Captiva, Marco Island, Vero, etc. We talked about Orlando, the Keys, Miami Beach, Ft. Lauderdale Beach, staycation stuff etc. Bryan flipped out. He is great with transitioning if he knows the plan. This abstract, what if, why, how, discussion that Jason and I were having, including visuals on my open laptop, just stressed him to the max. His anxiety level was so amped up that it was visual and palpable. The power struggle between the boys heated up and a physical skirmish ensued. So as the Mom, who is now way smaller than either of these two testosterone filled teenage boys, I kind of need to get out of the way or I’m going to end up across the room. But since I am the authority, police, dictator (no it’s not a democracy in my house), I had to call to order. A few slammed doors later everyone was in their own corner and I was able to sit down and figure out what the heck just happened. I was grappling between, damn these two spoiled kids can’t agree on a vacation, wah wah wah, and hmm, maybe I allowed for too much speculation, too much input to make this easy. I then had to visit the prisoners to sort out the damage. Bryan is way better now at self soothing and while he couldn’t stop expressing his remorse and his anxiety, the physical control now present is critical to my survival. Jason is trickier to navigate since he gets me more and took the zero and fessed up a fairly heartfelt apology. At this point, I’m done, toast, spent. Went upstairs took a hot bath and crawled into bed. Today is a new day and I’m ready for it.

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2 thoughts on “Good Feelings Gone

  1. Autistic adult here! *waves*

    Wow, it sounds like your kiddo might have freaked out because he was thinking of all the changes in his routine. It reminded me of myself. I just got through a harrowing two weeks of my routine getting messed up or rearranged and I had no solid knowledge about the changes until the hard days arrived.

    I kind of see it like this: You’re walking next to a really steep grass hill, and that’s your routine. An unexpected change is somebody smashing you in the head with a dodgeball and causing you to fall. An expected change is a big boulder in your path.

    It’s impossible to see beyond the big boulder, so I had to get over it to see what was next. Then the dodgeballs started flying while I was trying to climb over the other boulders and they sent me rolling down the hill.

    Now what’s the instinct of anyone who is sliding or falling down a hill? You flail, trying to catch and grab anything to break your uncontrolled fall.

    An autistic person’s flailing to stop their fall is acting out– getting mad, yelling, fights and seemingly bratty behavior. Nonverbal autistic people who need a lot of daily help and can’t make their communications understood may engage in self-injurious behavior, stop being cooperative or act up in ways that makes the people around them drop what they’re doing to handle a behavioral crisis.

    It’s not that I want to misbehave and make things harder, I’m just looking to get some control of my environment again. Btw I do both– lashing out, saying mean things, not cooperating, engaging in SIB and having (uncontrollable) meltdowns. It sucks, especially when I know everybody around me is stressed to the max, too.

    So your kiddo is okay. I think his brain tried to go into overdrive and tripped itself by trying to think waaaay too far ahead too fast.

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