Some things resonate. A few years ago I wrote a blog post about a speaker I heard say to “choose your mindset”. It gripped me then, and clearly, still has me now. The language we speak to ourselves, the things we tell ourselves matter. If you are not good at something and keep reminding yourself you are not good at it, well you are just reinforcing that bad behavior. You have a choice. Tell yourself you’re a fuck up or tell yourself, wow I just learned something and now I won’t do this again. I am evolving! I am a study of all things behavior and people, particularly myself and my kids. I have always been introspective. I hold myself to a very high standard of treat people how you want to be treated. This summer has challenged me in so many ways, and the mindset I have chosen is “I got this”. I am stumbling here and there for sure, but the focus, the way I speak to myself is positive and empowering.
If I have to trace this feeling back to anything, it is Bryan. If you tell someone you have a child with autism, you often get, “I’m sorry”. Damn cuz that hurts. It is easy to fall into the space of why did this happen to me or my kid. To build up the positive muscle of embracing the journey, you have to work it out. You have to keep pushing it and pushing it. No quick fixes on that one. And you fall of the wagon for sure, like when someone says, do you think Bryan will drive soon? Or do you think he will be able to have a job? One big lesson is to remind myself that no matter what anyone asks, they are typically inexperienced in this world and just don’t know what to say. I love the saying that you need to love the child you have, not the one you expected. Great lesson, not just for parents of special needs kids; this applies to all parents. But if you know me, you know that saying nothing to me or ignoring me doesn’t work well for me. Ignoring something or someone because addressing it or them makes you uncomfortable is immature. If you want to show someone you care, show them, take action, address the topic. No one expects anyone to have answers, but empathy is always welcome.
I had a huge reality check on this one recently. My mom has Alzheimer’s and has been declining rapidly. On two occasions recently she did not who I was. To tell you that was devastating is a colossal understatement. My dad is the major caretaker and is sad, overwhelmed and frazzled. When my sister and I call and he tells us some things that have occurred I find myself saying dopey things that I would hate if someone said to me about Bryan. A lesson for me to once again be gracious for those that ask about him and recognize that when you don’t have experience with something, it is challenging to help someone. I remind myself that these people are at least saying something and not ignoring it. At least they want to try and help. My dad gets very upset and says to us “you have no idea” when we ask how things are. So I decided to change my mindset and ask him, “Dad, what can I say to you when you say this?”. The answer is fantastic and the same answer I always want to hear: “just tell me that you love me”.