Today I read a blog from an autism mom explaining about how sometimes she is angry at parents of typical kids. I get it. Sometimes as a special needs parent you really don’t want to hear how some parents are deciding which college their kid will go to, which car they should get them, blah blah blah. However, in the blog, and certainly how I feel, in the end I would not change my journey. For Bryan’s sake I would like things to be easier for him, but for me, the journey from where I was to where I am now and where I hope to go, well, just wouldn’t change a bit. I grew up pretty spoiled and judgmental. I took things for granted, I expected my life to be on a set path. Post graduate degree/law school, good job, meet a good guy, get married, kids, house, travel, retire, etc. Some things went on a typical path, but most did not.
The real benefit of life is the learning. The ability to draw from past experiences to move forward. However, this persons blog hit a different nerve with me. It’s not so much about the learning and the appreciating as much as it’s about the feeling. I feel soooooooooo much all the time. My emotional capacity for empathy, love, understanding has exploded. Often times this is bad, when I get hurt, I am seriously hurt. But when I am happy and joyful it is over the top, too. Bryan continues to struggle with school and life. I am forced to push myself out of my comfort zone. I can’t manage him the way I used to, I can’t figure what is going on so easily. His emotions and challenges are more complex. He is aggressive and hurtful, yet emotional and remorseful. This has happened in earlier years but I was always able to pin it down to an event. Little kids, little problems, big kids, big problems. I am trying to pace myself and not try to solve everything at once. I am trying to embrace this journey, to be able to accept the pace of things and not worry so much where things will end up. I am applying this philosophy to everything in my life, it does not matter so much where things will end up, no one has a crystal ball, no one can control the outcome, but experiencing and embracing the journey, that takes a certain amount of skill, not my best for sure. I do feel that if I can allow things to reveal themselves rather than worrying about the end result, I will grow and learn. Such a basic lesson, so obvious, yet so challenging. One step at a time.