Own it.

IMG_1415 (1)You know who you are. You people who have contacted me by all forms of media to let me know I’m not alone, I’m going to be ok and “this too shall pass.” This is not a thank you blog, this is an awareness blog; my awareness. One thing about me is that I know who I am and what I need to function. I need support and warmth, love and friendship. I needed to reach out to the collective in order to get out of my own head. I am grateful and humbled by the responses I received, but, what is also great is that it rattled my cage a bit and got me back on track. Enough of the pity party and sadness. Typically I am all action, what can I do next, how will I solve this one? I didn’t have that feeling this time so I’m glad it’s returning. I was more irritated, annoyed, frustrated. I kept thinking, oh finally we send him to a school for kids with autism and now he’s having an issue? How naive of me, duh! The sheer fact that the school is for kids with autism should have revealed to me just how hard it would be for him, how he would need to really up his game. And how amateurish of me to think just because it’s for kids with autism, that automatically means it’s right for Bryan. Every now and then a good kick in the ass is needed for this Mommy. However, I’m happy to report that I am evolving. I am thinking about how to help him day-to-day and how to help him in the event this doesn’t work out. It never is a let’s just try this or that type of thing with autism. Can’t just up the meds and think it will all be ok. Things need to be examined from multiple points of view, physically, emotionally, psychologically, etc. I also like to get perspective from different people on things. Bryan’s Dad and I have brainstormed and we try to be of one mind. Bryan needs some sort of reward based system, some changed meds, and some behavioral consequences. He also needs to understand that you don’t have to like school, but you do have to get control of your body and yourself. Sounds kind of obvious, but typically it’s the obvious stuff that really is not obvious. Autism. What’s easy is hard and what’s hard is easy. Take him for blood work and he doesn’t move, model patient. Take him to the supermarket and all hell breaks loose. Everyone is focused on the triggers, why do you think he’s upset? Why do you think he’s behaving like this? It’s logical to try to find the root cause, but logic went out the window 10 years ago. Not sure if the triggers even matter. What truly matters, in my opinion, is how to prevent escalation. How to give him the tools to get himself under control. No one can control life’s triggers, but everyone needs to learn how to cope with whatever comes their way. I mean we all have to deal with crap and we don’t always know why something upsets us, but we do learn, when something does, what is the best way to handle it. For Bryan, all of this is in slow motion and needs to be treated carefully and with unconditional love.

I do always like to get Jason’s take on things. I asked him if he had any thoughts as to why Bryan was having such a tough time adjusting. I asked him because he knows Bryan very well and because he spends the most time with Bryan. He asked if Bryan had been bullied at school. I let him know I didn’t think so because it didn’t seem like the issues were with other kids.  I asked if he thought the school might be too hard for Bryan, like maybe Bryan wasn’t high functioning enough. Jason said, “what do you mean high functioning, is that like a little less autism?” Hmm I guess so. Good news Bryan’s cognitive skills were not at issue here.

The lesson for me is patience. Not patience for Bryan per se, but patience with the tempo of life. Patience to see if the changes we are making take hold and patience to find something else if this doesn’t work out.


3 thoughts on “Own it.

  1. “Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired and success achieved”, Helen Keller

    Bryan and Jason are blessed with a fabulous Mom with a strong soul, inspiration and totally successful. XOXO

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