How low can you go?

neverapologizeAll you people who typically read my blog and reach out to support me, yep I’m talking to you. I need you now. Autism sucks. Yep it does and it keeps on sucking in new and improved ways. A few times over the last few weeks we have gotten calls from Bryan’s new school that he has been physical with staff members. Mostly we have been able to get him to calm down or at least get him through the day. He was picked up once before and it was not good. Today I got a call to come get him. He had to leave, no trying to get him to stay. He tried to bite his teacher and was trying to kick her. Have you seen him lately? He’s big, he’s 5’7″ plus (and not the fake 5’7″ that so many people say they are but are not) and at least 170 lbs. He is broad-shouldered and extremely strong. I had to go get him. I was having a tough morning anyway, I’ve been a bit off of my game lately personally and this just pushed me right over the edge.  We already went once to the shrink to get his meds adjusted but it looks like that’s on the agenda for today too. When I asked him what happened he really is not capable of telling me or at least not capable of telling me now. He is too upset, knows he did wrong and is too anxious. He has trouble expressing complex emotions.  He can tell me he’s sad or happy but to explain what set him off and why he lost control, well that won’t be vocalized any time soon. He will be able to give me info or clues later, but they will not be timely. I felt like such a piece of crap going to get him and listening to them tell me how he tried to attack his teacher. When I saw him I wanted to hug him and kiss him and I also wanted to smack him in the head. Some combo of love and forgiveness mixed with frustration and anguish. As with most autism “things” there is no easy way out, no magic  pill, no “can’t you just”. It has never worked that way and never will. My heart is broken. A child’s pain lives in his mother’s heart. I know I will have to dig deeper, try harder, persevere. I signed up for it and I am not a quitter. The hard part is that my emotions are very raw right now and emotions and action can be diametrically opposed. Why does it seem that stuff happens all at the same time? Why does it always seem like just when the dust is settling and you can see the rainbow the rain starts up again?

We went to the doctor. We have a game plan for now which involves going back to a previous medicine that seemed to hold the aggression back. It’s all trial and error. I feel particularly bad because today is Jason’s birthday and although I have a fudge cake for him, we are not going to be able to go out to dinner and celebrate. It’s best for us to just have a quiet evening in. Jason, now a teenager, knows what happened today and has taken it all in stride. He is so happy for the cake, the cards, and the # 13 balloons I got him last night to surprise him. I think I wanted to get balloons to think I still have a little kid in the house. I was excited last week when he told me he lost a tooth. Yay, still has some baby teeth. I asked him if he put the tooth under his pillow at his Dad’s house for the tooth fairy. He said, “the tooth fairy is bullshit.”.  Yep, he’s 13. I was surprised he didn’t hustle me for  money however. For now, pizza and birthday fudge cake sound just perfect.prescription

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4 thoughts on “How low can you go?

  1. I just stumbled on your blog. Humbling for me. I will never forget the day our mutual friend broke down bc her “baby” outweighed her and she couldn’t get out of a shopping cart….you aren’t alone. But i can now imagine as a mom finally myself. How much it fucking sucks for you and all the courageous moms (and some Dads) out there who live with ASD and how much I admire all of you….sidenote. why did the school not tell u what happened????

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