Sanity Check, Part Deux

I think I need to have a recall on my last blog. That rosy picture I painted lasted a hot minute. Within hours of the publishing of the blog, things went downhill quickly. Midday Thursday got a very unusual and unwelcome phone call from Bryan’s new school. Please come get him, he is out of control, screaming kicking stuff and he just can’t stay. Um, what??? Never, in all of his school years has such a thing occurred. Bryan pinches and can be physical with Jason or me, but NEVER at school. Luckily he was not hurting anyone there but apparently kicked some stuff outside. Not sure of the details, after come get him I had a hard time processing language. I was in a work training program and felt trapped. I called my sitter to go get him, quick triage but in my gut I knew I had to leave. How on earth would I concentrate on anything knowing my boy was suffering. I didn’t need anyone to tell me he was suffering, a mommy knows all. Bryan is so full of anxiety and desire to please, I knew he must have been strung out. I had spoken with him on the phone, tried to give him a little tough love, but I didn’t even sound convincing to me.

His Dad and I agreed to take him to his psychiatrist and we met there with him. This was an acute situation that required a few different strategies, some increased or new meds to get a grip on the anxiety and some behavioral consistency. It is not lost on me that between the divorce, time sharing, a new school, Jason’s upcoming Bar Mitzvah the pressure on him is mounting. He cannot fully express himself with language and as he gets older I’m sure it is more and more frustrating for him. After a good session with the doctor I took him home. I felt like a wounded animal. I just wanted to retreat. I lost it a few times throughout the day and that adds to the guilt; always wanting to stay composed, on top of stuff. At home he was anxious but not as bad as I expected. Four thousand times of “I will do better at school tomorrow. I will have good behavior at school tomorrow” reminded me just how much he was punishing himself. I’m not a bystander, however, I’m his mom and I needed to work it out with him. We lied on his bed and snuggled a bit, I let him know how much I understand how he’s feeling and it’s ok to have a bad day. Kids with autism are never allowed to have a bad day. If they do you get reports home, phone calls, blah blah blah. The pressure is enormous. He took a bubble bath and went to bed on the early side. If sleep can help, yay for that. He is a man after all, and men can sleep after anything!! One day at a time…

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2 thoughts on “Sanity Check, Part Deux

  1. Jane, I love your blog! You made me feel as if I was there with you and Bryan. You’re a great writer! I never knew the Bryan that his new school described. He was always the nicest, sweetest kid. Please give him a hug from me. 🙂

    Debbie Singer

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