Bryan’s new thing is to use the GPS on my phone to go everywhere. He is not too happy when I change the route but he has to go with it. We are at the beginning of our new route and the irony is not lost on me. In this process of getting divorced and moving out of our family home, I am learning so much about myself and my kids. I lived alone for 7 years in Manhattan before I was married so I have none of those fears of being on my own during timesharing with their Dad. This is my first weekend alone and I am better than ok. I am also not that girl I was long ago wondering if I would get married, have kids, do the traditional thing. Although I do wish I could have the complete fairy tale of a life long growing marriage, I am to be where I am, capable and empowered. The “do over” of your romantic life is both exciting and terrifying at the same time.
The question most often asked is “how are the boys doing?” It’s the most normal question in the world. I have a variety of answers depending upon the day and time. The second day after we moved in Bryan came home with homework from school; he told his teacher he needed to do homework in his new house. I thought that was so charming, like it wasn’t officially his home until he did homework there. The boys have been very protective of me too. Jason has told me several times he is “the man of the house now” and to let him know if I need anything. So these are the good times, the good stuff of the new life. However, divorce is not without its daggers to the heart as a parent. Jason has cried many times; he has told me he is dealing with all of this too. He is very good at expressing his feelings and all I can do now is let him know that no subject is off-limits. We have had our share of tough times too. Bryan has melted down and he broke the shower curtain in the boys bathroom. This event happened after I left the boys alone for 2 hours and Bryan pinched Jason and dug his nails into him. Jason said “let’s call Daddy”. I knew what he meant. Bryan is big and strong and that can be very frightening. Of course we did not. I told him, “no, I can handle it” and I did. After spending time a long time alone with Bryan, which included cutting his nails way down, he calmed down and was his very remorseful self. Jason gets the autism part of Bryan, the inability to control himself at times, but he is still a kid in the middle of divorce trying to show he can handle things. The emotional grab of all of this is huge. I keep reminding myself to take it one day at a time and all of these firsts and changes are part of the roadmap. I am on the journey and my canteen is full. (I’m not saying what is in my canteen, however).