Payback’s a big bitch

The fun never ends. I had episodes of anxiety as a child. I had diarrhea before anything important, which included a test, the first day of school every year, and any significant change. I made my parents miserable and I worked them over. I screamed, cried and carried on. When Bryan was little, about 4. he had a very tough time adjusting to school. I watched him through a doorway cry and scream and say “I want Mommy” for 45 mins. Payback, ugh. Fast forward….last week Jason was having some preteen social issues at school. You know, the usual, wasn’t picked for a team in PE, some kid teased him about something. On Thursday night he was completely distraught, stomach ache, and a defiant declaration of I’m not going to school tomorrow. Yep, my mini me. And not in a good way if you know what I mean. On Friday morning I had to beg him to get up to go to school. My inner child was so angry at the adult me. My child self promised my adult self that I would never make my kid go to school if they were upset. I dropped him off at school, watching him walk away from the car with his head down and felt horrible. My heart was in my throat all day.
Tonight Earl has softball and since the weather has been so nice I thought maybe I would take the boys to a local burger place, sit outside and have some fun. Well basically we got hit by a brick. That brick was Bryan. It has, thankfully, been a long time since Jason and I experienced what we did tonight. Let me see if I can paint the picture for you. We walk into Burger Fi. You have to go up to the counter to order. Two elderly ladies were in front of us trying to figure out the menu and what to order. Bryan is very impatient, particularly when he is hungry. However, it was early and he is able to control himself. Well, no such luck tonight. He pinched both Jason and me about 10 times each. What happens is he pinches one of us, very hard, because it’s with all of his strength, we react and then he goes for the other one. I tried to stay calm and calm both of them down. Bryan was upset and screaming and Jason was screaming and crying; part victim part disciplinarian. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I did not want to leave. Somewhere in me I wanted to prove to myself that I could hack it. Jason kept saying let’s get the food to go. I refused. Interestingly enough some people were looking at us but that only makes me get calmer, like I better dig deep to handle it. I knew Bryan was extremely upset because I had to talk him into eating and also to drink his soda. He absolutely could not get to himself. I wanted to feel bad for him but to be honest, I was a little afraid. This kid is super strong. I have to be confident that I can handle the 5’5″, 168 lb Bryan; it’s essential for my survival. I tried to dig deep and use calming words and tricks. Jason, who typically is so helpful when Bryan acts up, had nothing left in him. He was hurt, hungry and totally embarrassed. So what did this mother of the year do? I told Bryan if people see him hurting us, they are going to call the police. If they call the police they may take you away. Before you decide I am the worst mother ever, walk, not even a mile in my shoes, try 2 blocks. You see, there are layers here. Layers of fear, frustration, empathy for Jason, and overall exhaustion at work here. He desperately wanted ice cream/dessert but of course I refused. The drive home was not much better. He sat in the back while Jason and I sat up front, but he reached up and pinched Jason and me again and dug his nails into Jason’s scalp. So while attempting to drive one kid was screaming and the other was crying. We got home and I suggested that Bryan take a nice warm bath. The water typically calms him. But, like how I was as a child, I never wanted my parents to be upset with me, and Bryan is the same way. It pains him if we are mad at him and he cannot chill out. The bath barely helped, so now I’m just praying for exhaustion and sleep.
So, Mom and Dad, I’m sorry for the anguish I caused but payback’s a bitch. Oh, and yes, I took a Xanax@


14 thoughts on “Payback’s a big bitch

  1. I’m sorry you had a crappy night. It really stinks sometimes. But I had to laugh out loud when you played the cop card! 🙂 Done it a few times myself. It seems to work, so hey…whatever gets you through the night.

  2. Jane,
    Number one- we have all had our moments of losing our Mom of the year award. Number 2- you got your children home in one piece and didn’t kill them- that is impressive. Number 3 I am so sorry that Jason is going through all this yucky stuff.- He is such a sweetheart and I hate hearing this about him. Number 4- you are so much stronger than you think and the truth is no one has the right to judge you since none of us are you- I am sending you hugs

  3. No, it wasn’t! Don’t feel guilty! After I moved to Florida and my parents would visit, I had the opportunity to apologize for everything I had ever done growing up. Many times we had chats that started out, “Remember the time I told you I was spending the night at my girlfriend’s house? Well, I was really…” They couldn’t have cared less. Sometimes, my dad would sit on the couch and sleep right through it! I’d shake his leg and say, “Hey dad, wake up I’m confessing over here!”. They didn’t remember any of it. Just like I don’t remember the mistakes they made. I carried that baggage around for nothing. The point is our parents feel the same way about us as we feel about our kids. We just want them to be happy and love always outweighs mistakes.

  4. My sweet girl–it pains me when times get so rough for you. It’s not payback, it’s actually a parent’s rite of passage to experience our bold, embarrassing, and oft times reckless and defiant children. You have a little more added to your plate, thus giving yourself a break is in order. You can’t do it all, Chica, but I applaud your efforts and your heart!

  5. I agree with the comments above-there’s no payback-because there was no possibility that your reactions as a child were driven by a desire to hurt your parents. You were reacting to your chemistry which apparently was screaming NO NO NO NO. Which is what Bryan was doing. As far as playing the cop card, I found weed in the backpack of my then 14 year old, and I called the cops. I knew they wouldn’t arrest him. I hoped that they would talk to him. Which they did. Which made no difference, and made every parent on the street point their finger at me. But that’s another story.

    Bryan has different needs, and yet you have a very real (and imho correct) need for him to understand right from wrong. Hurting people when one is angry, or at all, is not okay. And frankly, a person that saw it happen and had experienced it personally could maybe call the police.

    Jane, I don’t know you or Erwin “in real life” but I feel I know you from your words, both on FB and your blogs. I still see a woman who always aims at doing the best for her children. And I get that you just wanted “a normal night out with your two boys”. Don’t we all?

    You’re not my mom. But I sure wish you had been. I could have used the care, thoughtfulness, patience and understanding you show your children. You must know they are so lucky to have you.

    I do have some bad news. You aren’t perfect. Good news? It’s a good thing. No one can live up to a perfect parent. And if we’re being honest, there ARE no perfect parents. Or people. Or situations. There is just this big messy thing we call ‘life’ and our actions and reactions around it. It’s chaos. It’s often baffling, it’s divine.

    1. Hey Carol, You are so nice to write all of your comments. I am always hard on myself but I do know that we all have times where we can’t hack it. Luckily the bad times with Bryan are fewer and farther between than when he was younger. One day at a time. They are wonderful boys and I just want them to have a good life. XXX

  6. When my daughter was young…now she is 28 and well on her own, we did the same thing. When she got out of control as a young teen we too used the police but we were lucky enough to have a DR. who would come to our house to talk to her. The restaurants were the worst. Luckily I have to say she is totally OK today. Still hot tempered, quick to get angry, smart as a whip, but doing amazing. Stay strong!

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