The wand chooses the wizard!

Are you a Harry Potter fan? I am and in the first book Harry has to go Ollivander’s Wand Shop to get a wand for his first year at Hogwart’s school. Mr. Ollivander is an old man who specializes in matching wizards to the right wand. He remembers every wand he has ever sold and tells Harry, “the wand chooses the wizard after all”. 2010 HP Wands for FaiI am not exactly why this has always stuck with me, almost like you subconsciously choose your own fate.  I say subconsciously because there are things in my life I am not sure I would choose or not choose, but some combination of will, resignation, choice, both conscious and subconscious all collide to create where you are today. I went to the salon I always go to get my hair colored (necessary evil with so many grays) and I was letting the woman at the desk know I was here for my appt. Standing next to me was one of those women, you know, the ones that are in good shape, wearing workout clothes, not in a rush. She was making multiple appts for all kinds of services, waxing, nails, hair, etc. all during what we typical people call “work hours”.  I had a moment where I thought to myself, where did I get off track? How is this woman looking like the picture of good health, plus some serious bling, all relaxed and scheduled for during the day appts and I flew in, like a bat out of hell,in my work clothes, with my make up faded and smeared  from my face since  applied at 6am;  my iphone and ipad in tow as if some great work emergency might take place?  I have learned over the  years never to be envious of others, because 1. it’s a dumb emotion, 2. you don’t really know what someone is going through and everyone has problems. So my thought process was not about envy but more about how did I choose my wand? To be clear, I did have one year without working. Frankly, it wasn’t a great experience for me at all. I am not the person who can just “be”. I like to be around people, I like the collegial atmosphere of an office.  I am by nature a multi-tasker and, like many others, I get way more done when I have 10 things to do than one. But for just this one moment, I thought, wow, do we select how are lives are going to go or do things just sort of happen. Clearly I would not choose to work full time, with two kids with one having special needs, but I am lucky to have a great job and family, so perhaps I could not have appreciation for one without the other?
I had an experience today that really jolted me back to being me. I met with a psychologist today, but not for any purpose relating to my psychological well being. In the course of this meeting I revealed that my child had autism. The psychologist said “I’m sorry”. WOW, that really hurt. I explained to the psychologist there is nothing to be sorry about, my son is warm and loving and it may have been one of the best things that has ever happened to me or my family. My profound appreciation for some of the smallest things in life is all due to this disorder and the child I love who has it. As you can imagine, the doctor was a bit taken aback. Funny, if I said my kid had diabetes or asthma would they say that? What about autism makes people feel they need to respond like this. No matter how long I have come into contact with new people addressing this topic, their response, comments and behavior is still shocking. However, and here is the good news, in that single moment, I saw a glimpse of my wand. I felt oddly awakened by her comment or snapped back to the reality of who I am. I am not great, not significant, and no better than any other mom, I am just me. Sometimes being me is tough and sometimes that is comforting. Either way I am a product of how I have orchestrated my life and I must embrace it and own it.

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One thought on “The wand chooses the wizard!

  1. Beautiful, Jane, and so true. I reconnected with an OLD friend/acquaintance some years ago on Facebook, and when I wrote to her about Michael, she wrote back “I almost said to you that I was sorry to hear that, but then it occurred to me that that really wasn’t the right thing to say”. She went on to ask many questions about him. I was really touched by that – she really realized that there was nothing to BE sorry about! XOXO

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