Bust it out!!

Wouldn’t it be great if you had a button, like that Staples “that was easy” button that every time you were faced with nonsense you could press it and delete the nonsense from your life? I am desperately searching for such an item, so if you have this and you can share it with me it would be greatly appreciated.

My tolerance for nonsense, crap, bullshit, whatever you want to call it is at an all time low. At work I have a little plastic donkey (from McDonald’s when the Shrek movies came out). My folks at work know just where I am emotionally by  how close the donkey is to the edge of my desk or over the edge. On Friday I tossed him over the edge and one of my coworkers put a sign  next to him that said “have mercy”. Too funny. Humor is the only way to deal with these things. Or tears. Either way when the emotions bubble up, I just wish I could bust out a dustbuster and get rid of all the crap lying around just trying to get into my brain.

Lately it seem as if I am dodging bullets all of the time. Family crap, autism related anxiety, and let’s not forget my personal favorite, sleep deprivation. Can you imagine what must be on Bryan’s mind that he cannot sleep past 5 am on any given day? On Friday night he woke up at 3:30am or should I say Saturday morning, although sunrise was nowhere in sight, just looking for some Mommy or Daddy attention.  I know what you’re thinking. Try some melatonin, or drugs or get him tired or blah blah blah. Keep him up late or put him to bed early. We have heard it all….Can you tell him to watch tv in his room or do Wii or get some breakfast, yes, yes, yes, yes. He does all of those things, just after he says “Mommy  what time do I take a shower for school?” or “What time do I take a bath today?” or “What time do you make my lunch for school?” On Saturday morning he must have asked me these questions a thousand times. I yelled at him and then he said, “I’m angry at you” which is Bryan for you’re angry at me. There it is that goddamn mirror again. Poor kid, just trying to get through the day and he still gets a tongue lashing from me. I know i’m human, blah blah blah, but that’s not the problem. The problem is all of the nonsense I have to deal with that pushes me over the edge. Doing the same tasks two or three times, and just trying to wade through the muck that has become my life. If  you add to my muck, back off, you won’t be happy when I fail to throw you a line to pull yourself out. I am at a point now where all I feel like doing is retreating. I find myself watching the dumbest tv shows just because they require no real thought or participation from me at all. What concerns me really is the impression I am going to leave on my boys.

“Oh yes, I remember my Mom, she was crying a lot or screaming a lot. And the theme from House Hunters, it still gives me the chills. The image of her on the couch, catatonic with diet coke and Cheez-its. Yes she was fun sometimes but mostly she was mental”. Not sure if that will be Bryan or Jason on the shrink’s couch. Poor Jason, he has the same role in the family that I had growing up; he has to be good to overcompensate. He sees my emotions start to surface and he does this cute little thing we do with Bryan just to get me to smile. You know you’re a piece of shit when your ten year old feels responsible for cheering you up. I am not looking for anyone’s pity; I’m just exposing the wounds and waiting for the meds to kick in.


4 thoughts on “Bust it out!!

  1. Jane,
    Please give yourself a break. You sound like me a lot of the time and I don’t have a full time job or an autistic child. Life is hard and some days are harder than others and sleep deprivation makes the sweetest of people turn into monsters. I know your boys and they love and adore their mom. Most kids don’t think of Mommy as the yeller when she predominantly is nurturing, patient and loving. No one expects you to never feel like you can’t have a meltdown, so why do you? Start realizing you can only do your best and that it’s ok to want to throw the donkey oover the edge. Anytime you want to go for coffee or walk and just laugh or cry, call me.

  2. I am a FB friend of your husband, and I have read your blogs before, but this one moved me in a very deep way. I have read how you champion your son Bryan. How both you and your husband rally behind him-the time, the care, the devotion you have-and it is inspiring. However, this is perhaps more inspiring because it too is just as real. We’re ALL OF US light and we’re dark. We’re positive and negative, we’re patient and impatient, we are selfless and selfish, we are loving and less than loving. We have times when we’re proud of ourselves, and times when…not so much. You’re modeling being a human being for your 10 year old. Do you discuss how hard it is sometimes to do the right things for your beloved, challenging challenged boy? Do you share with him that sometimes you just want a minute to yourself, or maybe just to have “normal” problems…what are those again? That sometimes, yes, life seems overwhelming. So you turn on the TV and you zone out and you take some time for yourself because you are human. You don’t get drunk and start beating on people. You don’t blame them for your shortcomings. :You just don’t always reach the high note or the high bar. You still keep reaching for it though, don’t you? I’m no expert, just a flawed parent, but if my kids have learned anything from me, it’s how to fail to be the best, how to apologize, and how to keep on aiming to be better. And you are teaching them emotional honesty-because sometimes, amid the cheering and the encouraging there is “are you really asking me that question AGAIN???” and there’s the niggling voice that says “what about me?”. Let your youngest boy know how much you value the fact that he sees your pain and tries to cheer you up-that’s huge. He’s obviously not shut down-that’s down to his parents. And I’m sure you tell him that he isn’t responsible for your (or anyone’s) emotional well-being, just his, but wow-how lovely that he loves you so he wants to get that smile. Thank you for telling the truth. Thank you for inspiring by letting us know you aren’t perfect. It feels much more like we’re all in this together-our struggles are different perhaps-but ;you aren’t wearing a mask and that makes room for all of us to be more honest with each other.

    1. Carol, your comment is not only beautiful and appreciated but extremely well timed. One of the best things about writing my feelings down is learning from others that I am not alone. Thank you for taking the time and energy to help me. I can see why Earl would be friends with you. I really treasure your thoughts. Regards, Jane

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