Holes in what’s left of my reason…

holes in the knees of my blues. odds against me been increasin’, but I’ll pull through. Back to lyrics.

Typically if I have not blogged in a while it can only mean one of two things. Everything is so fabulous I have nothing to share, I am just happy as can be and why would I  need or want to blog. Or things are so screwed up and my thoughts are so scrambled I cannot get them out to blog. Guess which way I’m headed….In reality there are a lot of good things going on but it just seems that the older I get the harder it is to juggle everything at the same time.

We are planning Bryan’s Bar Mitzvah. I say this with joy, pride and triumph. This event will be a great day for him and for us as a family. Bryan is engaged and excited about this and well that makes it all worthwhile. How the day will actually turn out remains to be seen, but if love and good wishes can make something good happen, it will be fantastic. Like all milestones there is a tremendous amount of planning involved. I call this “happy busy” and embrace it wholeheartedly. However, on top of my full workload at work, managing the kids day to day activities, laundry, lunches, etc. I am spent. Don’t get me wrong Earl is a great partner, but when there is sooooo much to do, it still can be truly overwhelming. As I’m reading what I’m writing I am thinking, why am I so frazzled, things don’t sound so bad.

I guess at the end of the day it points to the toll that autism can take on you personally and as a family. I woke up at 4:50 today to do a Jillian Michaels DVD, week 5. Damn she’s tough. Bryan woke up with me. For the entire 30 mins of this DVD he was repeating, I can go to school, what time, you made my lunch, what time do I go to football tomorrow? So much for my zen 30 mins. This is what we have all day every day. Constant perseveration and anxiety. He does not sleep past 5 hardly ever, even with some meds prescribed by the shrink to help him sleep on weekends. The tough part is he is sweet and gentle now, he really doesn’t hurt very much anymore and he is more compliant. But… it’s like anything else in your life, small doses can be tolerated but the constant poking of words can drive you crazy. It also sucks because to some extent Bryan can control himself and to some extent he can’t. I love and adore this boy but at times I truly cannot take it. He knows this too and of course that makes it all much worse.

This weekend is Jason’s birthday. He is 10. How did that happen?  I took Bryan to get him a present. So funny, Bryan keeps telling him, hey Jason I got you a lego set for your birthday!!! I have told Jason I got him a Barbie dream house just to bug him. Happy Friday.


4 thoughts on “Holes in what’s left of my reason…

  1. I get it, I really do. I really really want to blog, but it seems to take a back seat to EVERYTHING else. And Rachael is very similar every morning. She wants to have the same thing for breakfast every morning and if I can’t sneak around the kitchen and have it all done by the time her little eye balls pop open, then I hear ‘Mom, sun is up, you need to make my breakfast please’ set on repeat for like a gazillion times before I’m able to put it in front of her. I’m always so grateful for those days that I am able to get up and get it all done before she gets up so when she says it the first time I can respond with ‘Yep, lets go eat!’ 🙂

  2. Best of luck! My two special needs kids (one deaf blind and one with high functioning autism) had their bar mitzvahs (separately). Each one was a beautiful touching experience, not only for us, but for every guest and family member. Best of luck during this exciting time of your life. I am sure. Brian will wow you and everyone who attends! 🙂

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