Anxiety Attacks, film at 11.

If you have kids you know that the week before school starts is not fun. Or it should be fun, but it isn’t. I am a planner, I like to do as many things as possible to make my life and my family’s life easier. Best laid plans… as they say. On Wed evening I stopped at Bryan’s new school to pay for Before Care. If you don’t know what this is, it’s for f-d up situations where school starts too late in the morning and both parents work. Nice that because we are working and middle school doesn’t start until 9:30 (when most people are already at work) we have to pay $80 a month for someone to watch Bryan from 8-9:15. Ok, so I go and pay this and meet his teacher. Very nice woman, we had met before and she tells me I can come in early on Friday if I like for orientation. It was planned for 9:30 but she said I could arrive any time after 8. I am working this week so that is good for me. Wednesday night we went to my cousin Avi’s wedding celebration. He is getting married in Israel and his mom made him a party at her home for those of us who won’t make it to Israel for the ceremony.  I love to see my extended family and was looking forward to this event. Bryan loves the family and kept saying all day “I’m going to a party” and knew who would be there and expressed excitement in seeing them. Well just another case of  “just when you thought it was safe…” happened. He could not relax for 30 seconds. I don’t know why his anxiety level was so high. So many people there that love him and he loves and he still couldn’t reel himself in. So of course I had a lovely time not catching up with family and not talking to my cousins going back to Israel. Oh well, just another day in the life. All of this, nonsense, nothing, for amateurs.

On Thursday our  sweet and wonderful niece was watching the boys. I picked them up and had a sitter coming to watch them in the afternoon. I was going to leave Bryan with the sitter and take Jason to school for orientation. Sitter was 30 mins late (just so you know, I am not good with 5 mins late so you can imagine where I was at 30 mins late, yep on the ceiling), which caused us to be late for school orientation, no place to park, Florida afternoon monsoon happening. Get to school, Jason is not in the class he expected to be in. OK, hold the phone, um, no one can let me know of this prior to arriving. love it here!!

Ok he goes with the flow, stays at school with one of his friends and his friend’s mom who is a teacher and friend. She will drop him off. Go home to check on Bryan and sitter and go back to work. At work one hour, sitter texts me she locked herself and Bryan out by the pool.  oh joy! Back in the car, now I’m starting to unravel, too much driving back and forth, rushing, stressing, feeling like a bad mom, Jason is not in the class we thought, babysitter issues, can’t turn off brain and anxiety. Major car accident had happened (not me) on the road I go every night, delayed about 15 mins and get home. She and Bryan are out front. I send her home, take a Xanax and I completely fall apart. I seriously passed out into a deep/sleep/coma, blah blah. Danger Will Robinson!!!

Friday morning, fresh start. I am all good in the morning. A little sleep(and I mean little literally since Bryan woke me up before 5) and some high octane coffee and I’m ready for middle school orientation. We go early as we were told this is ok. I get there, the teacher who told me I can go early is now no longer his teacher. They made a change and didn’t tell me. New school, are you f-g testing me??? Do you want Bryan puke all over you on Monday? Don’t pull this crap on me, I am so far over the edge right now I can’t be trusted. Jason said,  “Mommy, you don’t need to say those bad words”. And me, mother of the year said “um, yes I do, Jason, yes I do.” He is right but really? Had a little talk with the Administrator and went home. Called Earl and he said “oh boy” because he knows, do not play with me people, you will not win.

He took the boys back for orientation at 9:30 and I went to work. The fast pace of work distracted me and I got myself back on track. Just another day in Schmolland(if you don’t know the Autism thing Holland Schmolland, send me a comment, it’s priceless but not mine, but I can send it).

All hope is not lost however. I try to take note of maturity and development in Bryan. When your child has autism the little changes and triumphs slip in and you must take notice. I took Bryan to Walmart yesterday. I know, nutty thing to do on the day before school starts, but I needed to get some keys made for our new sitter.  Bryan wants to see toys and DVDs. He wanted a DVD and at first I acquiesced. Then I thought to myself, he should not get a $15 DVD just for going to Walmart. I told him he had to put it back. He said, “ok Mommy” and put it back. WHOAA! Do you have any idea what just happened? I told him no and he didn’t pinch, yell, cry or carry on.  One small step for man, one giant step for mankind.

All weekend I was waiting for the other anxiety shoe to drop. As you know I am a veteran and so I am trained to wait in the foxhole for the ambush. Yep, it came for us, around 6 pm last night. Jason had a panic attack of sorts.  We asked if he was nervous about school, duh, but he said no and seemed confident in his answer. I took him for a brief ride to get gas in my car and cash for today. Got him some Hershey drops, chocolate is the best medicine, had some hugs and distraction and went home. Bryan went to bed fine, his anxiety always manifests in the morning. Packed extra clothes in anticipation of puke. Perhaps he will make it without, but a veteran always has back up.

Putting Jason to bed last night and just talking a little the truth came out. “Mommy, was I kicked out of the gifted class?”. Yep, I knew it would surface. Jason has been in the “gifted” class since first grade and this year he was not put in there. I think he did not do as well as other kids last year; some combination of the teacher’s teaching style, his intimidation and just a lack of effort. I said no way, because he had not been kicked out there were just kids placed ahead of him. I told him you just need to work hard and try and be the best Jason you can be. Barf. Do they really have to inherit my anxiety gene? I have nice eyes and steadfast determination, that couldn’t trickle down?

Left this morning for work, Earl drives the kids to school. Better for everyone  involved.Early news on the drop off was all good. But I always say, the first day is nothing. They go, they don’t know. The second day……


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