It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to

Yep, yesterday was the first official pity party of 2012. I allow myself two per year and that is it.  I cried all day.  Earl drove the boys to their respective activities; he always knows when I am beyond.  I am completely and utterly overwhelmed right now. It’s funny that I am usually on it when I have a lot to do. It is certainly not when I have a lot to do that makes me sad or cry or feel overwhelmed.  What happens to me is when there are so many things that I need to attend to and many of them are out of my control, or I can’t do my part until someone does theirs, well that’s when the floodgates open up.

I always try to figure out the trigger. What occurred that can transform me from a motivated, get it all done sort of person to a mushball of tears and despair? It’s almost always traceable to a trigger of failed expectations brought on by something surfacing from the past. I love seeing old friends and had dinner with some old friends on Friday night.  One of my friends was staying with us;  she was visiting from NJ. She is a very loving and very dear friend. She and Bryan bonded in a way I have not seen before with any of my friends  and that too made me emotional. Most people gravitate to Jason, but it was clear she was interested in relating to Bryan, he knew it, felt it and responded to her.  The dinner was fun but when we talk about lots of people and stuff from our past I internalize it in a way that is not always positive. My other friend was talking about going to visit colleges with one of her kids and her other child’s very typical teen behavior. These are some of the good problems I will not experience with Bryan. I don’t feel sorry for myself. I have great kids and a great husband. But…. things just didn’t go as planned and that affects me differently at different times. My armor was already dented from so many things on my plate that it rendered me vulnerable to otherwise innocent attacks.

I watched a video that Bryan’s autism coach puts together each year. It was from last year and it always makes me cry;  I found it while straightening up and felt compelled to watch. Not the smartest of moves when I was already fragile. It is a montage of photos like a video yearbook, set to poignant music, of all of the kids with autism or as they call it the A-team. When they share these videos with us each year, it is at a breakfast where they honor the parents of the kids on the A-team. Their goal is to give you a peek inside what the kids do at school all day. At the school I always tear up but have to hold back on the heavy tears. Yesterday I sobbed so hard, but truthfully think I needed to get it out.

So today is a new day and I am ready to go, pity party is done and now, like many other moms,  I am looking for my invisible plane.

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10 thoughts on “It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to

  1. You have an enormous amount on your plate. Everyone is allowed their “moments.” Whether good or bad you are allowed to feel all those things that you feel. Not many things as good as a really good cry and you know that I know what a good cry is.

  2. You are a fabulous mother and friend. I am so glad that I was able to bond with Bryan. He too is a fabulous boy, and you know that is due in large part (if not the whole part) to what great parents you both are. Know that you are entitled to feel whatever and whenever, and I will always be here to lend an ear if and when you need it!
    xoxo

  3. Jane, your writing is beautiful, as is the way you see the world and the special circumstances you and your family face! Inspiring!

  4. Renee' Darden

    Hey Jane – I feel all of your pain. The “pity parties” can be therapeutic sometimes. Much better than keeping it all bottled up inside. You are a great Mom and an ever inspiring voice for all of us whose lives are filled with autism and “everything” that brings with it.

  5. I think pity parties are useful–even helpful sometimes. Reading your blog, I shared so many of the “symptoms” that led to your dam burst. It felt universal despite your very specific circumstances. I’m a weaker person than I ever expected and throw many a pity party–too many. I’m sending you some good vibes.

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