When you turn on the tv now, all you hear about are the upcoming primaries and New Year’s resolutions. It’s no wonder why I like to watch HGTV. Making a resolution to me is a set up for failure. It’s the same every year, lose weight, be more careful with money, have more patience. All it really means though is worrying about Bryan. Any small milestone triggers a reaction. What will happen to our beautiful, sweet, loving, smart boy? I read these articles about children with autism who grow up and have relationships or “come out of it” and it doesn’t make me hopeful. It makes me depressed. I know that is not the norm for these kids. I try so hard to be optimistic but I know we won’t be here forever and that makes me nervous too. Will he have a good life? Will he meet someone and have a relationship? Go to college, live on his own, drive a car, have a child? I can’t even mention this in front of Jason he gets so indignant about it. “I will take care of Bryan, he will live with me.” Oh the guilt, love, admiration and pride that declaration provokes. The floodgates are open and the rush of fears washes over me like a tidle wave. “there’s got to be a morning after…” I keep picturing myself hanging on to roof tiles while floating on the river of debris. Clearly I’ve watched too many documentaries of Japan. When I think about Bryan’s future I feel panic set in. I need to remember that everything with him is slow motion. When I talked to Earl about this he said “weren’t you just blogging about his progress?” Yes, but but but. The overprotective mommy instinct and the rational person thought process sometimes collide.
One more thing about New Year’s Eve before I move on to all my regular emotional stuff. I know this is random, but can someone please have Dick Clark stay home this year? It’s painful to watch him and he needs to just pass that damn baton and get over it. I am happy that he is doing well and recovering from a stroke or strokes but it just is not dignified, ok, got that out.
Last night I loaded HBO Go on my ipad. Wow that really rocks. The picture on the ipad is unreal, so clear. Jason decided he wanted to watch “The Tale of Despereaux.” I did not watch the whole thing but watched a part where Despereaux, a tiny little mouse with big ears, was having trouble in school. He does not cower and does not scurry like the other mice and the parents are very worried. Well that just pushed me over the edge. Every parent just wants their child to do what it is typical. When I teared up Jason, who really gets me, said, “Mommy why are you sad?” I told him that Despereaux reminds me of Bryan a little bit and he just said “come here and give me a hug.” I am sure when Jason grows up he will be telling someone, a shrink, friend, spouse that his mom was a nutcase. I guess that’s a Jewish boy’s legacy!! Not sure what will happen in 2012, will the world as we know it end as predicted? Will Bryan have a successful transition to middle school? Will I lose weight? Only time will tell. Happy New Year.