My bounce back sucks

So today is Veteran’s Day. I am grateful for all the people who have served in the military and have given their lives to protect our freedom. We treat our Veteran’s like dirt, it’s the American way, we were all imigrants at one point, the “melting pot” and now we shun imigrants. This country is nuts. Enough about that.

Remember in college when you would go out all night and drink and the next day you were functional? Well I haven’t had that feeling in years. Now I have two drinks, I have a 10 minute window between happy Jane and asleep Jane and the next day I feel like I was hit by a bus. But my bounce back is getting worse on the autism front too. I used to be able to take setbacks more in stride. I feel as Bryan gets older it is getting harder not easier. He is more verbal and that is great, we know more what he is feeling or thinking. However, last night he was very physical with me and for the first time I was truly afraid of him. On what planet did I think it was possible to be afraid for my safety with my own son? I am so over all of the medicine and everything. We will now have to coordinate some sort of task force between his psychiatrist and endocrinologist. Too much testosterone, oy. Usually I have energy for these things, I’m like an investigator, quarterback and doctor all rolled up into mommy advocate. I just don’t have the bounce back I used to to strategize with Earl and figure things out. Have we exhausted all of the avenues? I hope not. Thinking about the gluten free diet for him. Gee, change all of our eating habits, cause stress because he won’t be eating what he likes, and pay 3x more for it. Sounds like a party to me. This is a new phenomenon for me. It does not feel like a pity party, it feels more like the WWE after going 3 rounds.

Our sitter, who we love is leaving us. She fortunately got a full time opportunity with benefits. No one can compete with benefits. I did offer to adopt her so she could get benefits from my job. So, we did what we usually do if something like this happens, post it, notify people, email etc. Jason said “maybe she’ll get fired”. I love that kid. I just don’t have the enthusiasm to interview people but I have to. 

The irony is I really can’t cry. I took a lot of lexapro this week and it sort of prevents you from feeling raw emotions, which of course, is the point of taking it. I need a good cry though, so maybe I’ll skip it tonight!


2 thoughts on “My bounce back sucks

  1. Loving your candor and what you share is really helping so many others sitting in the same place as you. But… to hell with the rest of the world. I know from experience that writing it down and letting it out just helps so much. My private rants and raves on paper were so helpful to me. You’ve gone one step further in that you will not only help yourself but others as well. And of course, whenever you want a vaca from it all and just spend time giggling, just holler out….

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