Let’s go to the videotape.

Today was an usual day for us. It is almost 8pm and I’m still in my pjs from last night. No speech today, no hebrew school, just a day to be home.  We decided to watch some of our DVDs/videos of the kids from when they were younger. This is the best and worst thing for me. I am serious. I love to see how cute and sweet they were when they were little, but to watch Bryan at various times is so painful and heart wrenching I seriously want to hurl myself in front of the nearest bus.  On some really early videos, he is about 2, he seems so responsive and then as the months tick by you see his vocabulary becomes limited. One thing I must say, he is always loving and hugging and kissing. Another positive is that he always understands what we ask him but only if the requests are one step commands. In any event, I am quite sure I will have fucked up dreams tonight about bad parenting and missed queues, it always goes that way, yet seeing that angelic face still at the same time is warm and wonderful. What an evil twist. I really like to watch his reaction to himself. He usually says, “that’s baby Bryan” or if he is playing a game or watching tv in the video he will tell you exactly what is he is playing or watching. His memory is a gift. So is he.


2 thoughts on “Let’s go to the videotape.

  1. I only have one video of my son before the onset of autism, and I know what you mean… During a move, our video camera with all the videos taken during the first 2 years on his life was stolen. I think that was a curse and a blessing at the same time. Can’t decide.

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